The random joke thread

[OldGit]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.


"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."


"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."







"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

:icon_bigg

 

[lazzer]

what do richard hammond and and elton john have in common?............................................................

they both have skid marks on their helmet

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

:icon_lol: funny but cruel..

 

[lazzer]

:icon_lol: funny but cruel..

humour is based on cruelty i thought you of all people would appreciate that

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

gee thanks...

 

[lazzer]

gee thanks...

:icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol: i meant having such a good sense of humour :icon_lol:

 

[londonfox]

Why do dogs lick there own balls? (no most people will say because they can) But Wrong! It's because they are Delicious!!!


An atom bomb goes of in Ethopia, 5 million people die , 1 million from the blast and 4 million from fighting over the mushroom...

 

[fcukcov]

>>One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
>>They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is
>>already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to
>>the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy
>>remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his
>>girlfriend to whisper "lettuce"
>>if
>>she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
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>>Lettuce!!!
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>>Tomato!!!
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>>Lettuce!!!
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>>Tomato!!!
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>>Lettuce!!!
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>>Tomato!!!
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>>She screams.
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>>Lettuce!!!
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>>Tomato!!!
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>>Whoa!!!
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>>PULL IT OUT!!!
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>>PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
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>>I can't get pregnant!
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>>Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making
>>sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my
>>face!*!*!*!*!

 

[Melton Fox]

Aaarrghhh

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

granny and grandad having breakfast one morning when granny looks at her husband and says 'my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago' her husband says ' no wonder you have one in your coffee and the other in your porridge'

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

husband says to wife 'can i have a picture of your breasts so i can always look at them' wife says 'sure if i can have one of your dick so i can enlarge it'

 

[Motown Fox]

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, This is my lucky day.

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.


More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"





Well she explains, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[OldGit]

What do u call a lesbian with fat fingers????













Well Hung

 

[fcukcov]

ono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...


"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence.......................



"Well, facking stop it then, you cnut!"

 

[fosseboy83]

ono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...


"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence.......................



"Well, facking stop it then, you cnut!"

i hate that cnut

 

[Motown Fox]

ono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...


"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence.......................



"Well, facking stop it then, you cnut!"

I'm not too keen on Bono either.:icon_lol:

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

i dont really like u2 the odd song of theirs is ok but thats it

 

[Motown Fox]

There was a couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made
love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic........

"You impotent b*stard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"




The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the f***ing toy ..........

if you can explain the f***ing kids."

 

[Motown Fox]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,"What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass three tests, you get all the
money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
"What are the three tests?
"Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules."
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do :
First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole
thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm
during intercourse.
You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned.
"I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those
other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks
"Where's zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.

Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon all the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and
then.... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the
bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"