The random joke thread

[manxfox]

New machine at my gym is brilliant, I use it contantly until I feel sick.

It has everything, Mars, Snickers, Red Bull.

 

[manxfox]

I just wanked myself into oblivion.


The staff at Alton Towers are ****ing furious.

 

[fcukcov]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.’
The lady can’t take this any more,
You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,’
She retorted indignantly.
’In this country, we don’t speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
’Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man. ‘Who talkin’ abouta sex?
I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi ’.

 

[tedfoxxx]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.’
The lady can’t take this any more,
You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,’
She retorted indignantly.
’In this country, we don’t speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
’Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man. ‘Who talkin’ abouta sex?
I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi ’.

Quite a tough one to re-tell aloud:icon_lol:

 

[Gore Lowin]

Alex Ferguson decides to throw an 80's party for the players.

Giggs turns up in a Capri, Scholes drives a Quatro

and Rooney decides to come in an Escort.

 

[MKFox]

My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night.


Problem was she's rubbish at snooker

 

[drummindefender]

Got fired from my job as a lifeguard today. Apparently not letting a Muslim into the pool whilst tapping the "no bombing" sign isn't the done thing

 

[MHS]

Got fired from my job as a lifeguard today. Apparently not letting a Muslim into the pool whilst tapping the "no bombing" sign isn't the done thing

:icon_lol:

 

[manxfox]

I heard they are going to open a new Islamic bank - 'Halalifax'

 

[Profondo Rosso]

What do you use to stick a heroin needle back together with?

Glue Reed.

 

[lazzer]

Somebody asked me what my favourite grooming products were. After some thought i chose Smarties and Haribo's

 

[Blue Maniac]

Somebody asked me what my favourite grooming products were. After some thought i chose Smarties and Haribo's

 

[LCFCmonkey]

My girlfriend said that due to my immaturity, she couldn't see us going any further.

It was funny because she's blind.

 

[Darth Vodka]

My girlfriend said that due to my immaturity, she couldn't see us going any further.

It was funny because she's blind.

my girlfriend dumped me saying i was too immature, period

and i said "period, ha ha ha, you said period"

 

[FryattFox]

my girlfriend dumped me saying i was too immature, period

and i said "period, ha ha ha, you said period"

My girlfriend dumped me, saying that I knew nothing about women.

So I kicked her in the balls.
(I know it's a repeat!)

 

[manxfox]

I just raped someone in a lift.
It was wrong on so many levels.

 

[SJN-Fox]

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says ‘Bejesus, I’ve found a sandwich that looks like a feckin bomb’. The operator asks ‘ is it tickin?’ Paddy says ‘No, I tink it’s beef!’.

 

[Orifice]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!

The little bastards ...........

 

[Macky]

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says ‘Bejesus, I’ve found a sandwich that looks like a feckin bomb’. The operator asks ‘ is it tickin?’ Paddy says ‘No, I tink it’s beef!’.

I don't geddit, did the operator have a speech impediment?

 

[RHYDAL]

I don't geddit, did the operator have a speech impediment?

Does this class as irony?