The random joke thread

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A nun, a preist, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks 'Is this some kind of joke?'
 
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
 
A bloke is woken in the middle of the night by a loud banging at his front door. Half asleep he goes down to answer it. He is greeted by a chap who say's sorry to disturb you at this hour but would you mind giving me a push. He reluctantly agrees and goes back upstairs to get dressed. When he comes down and goes outside the chap is nowhere to be seen, the bloke shouts out where are you? Back comes the reply over here on the swings
 
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Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.

Billy Connolly -
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
 
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, Anything you want.. After all, you're the guv" .
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch." This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well, sort of right, this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah?

"Yep, fish, well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
…











































"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
 
Gareth was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, ‘Gareth, you’ve got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex.’ Gareth decided to bend over.


Even though he felt sore for two weeks Gareth soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, ‘That was a huge mistake Gareth. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.’ Again, Gareth thought it was better to comply.


Although he survived, it took several months before Gareth finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Gareth turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.


The Polar Bear said:



‘Admit it Gareth, you don’t really come here for the hunting, do you?’
 
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.







What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.







I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.







(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)







Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me. "







I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.







I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.







Better watch what you ask retired people.







We have all the time in the world to think of stupid things to say.
 
bocadillo said:
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.







What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.







I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.







(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)







Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me. "







I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.







I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.







Better watch what you ask retired people.







We have all the time in the world to think of stupid things to say.
Click to expand...
:081::081::081:
 
bocadillo said:
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me. "

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

We have all the time in the world to think of stupid things to say.
Click to expand...

:038::038:
 
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