The random joke thread

[Yorkshire Vixen]

There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel flutters down to them.
A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.
The angel says, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick--you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again."
The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.
The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes--why not go back and do it again?" The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time--you hold down the pigeon, and I'll shit on it...."

 

[MHS]

:icon_lol:

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

some of these may have already been posted...

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called **** scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

 

[Willlow]

A good looking, man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my forebears by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.


Thank you for your advice .


Sincerely,




Dick van Dyke

:icon_bigg

 

[Motown Fox]

A recent survey looked at the reasons men liked blow jobs and concluded:-

6% said they liked the feeling
12% said they liked the excitement
82% said they liked the peace and quiet...

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

ive heard that before :icon_bigg

 

[Motown Fox]

ive heard that before :icon_bigg

Who from though?

Oh you mean the joke:icon_bigg

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

Who from though?

Oh you mean the joke:icon_bigg

i couldnt reply i had my mouth full :icon_roll :icon_lol:

 

[MKFox]

i couldnt reply i had my mouth full :icon_roll :icon_lol:

rules Highland out then....

 

[fcukcov]

>Dear Technical Support,
>18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
>which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
>apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
>was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
>To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
>other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
>Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
>I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left
>a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
>Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
>same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
>other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
>I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
>product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
>tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
>FreeS3xPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
>Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
>very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically
>stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
>They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
>Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
>can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter
>products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
>Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
>requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
>which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
>attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
>Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
>can't be turned off.
>Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
>problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife1.0
>detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
>uninstalling itself.

 

[alex]

rules Highland out then....

Ha ha ah aha, brilliant.

 

[Joe_Fox]

This just made me piss myself (not literally but close)

http://www.break.com/index/takeaway1.html

I just watched a chinese takeaway box for three minutes and nothing happened. That was crap!

then I realised you need sound on.

:icon_evil

 

[fosseboy83]

The Iraqi Footballer


The Leeds manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play
football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to
Elland Road. Two weeks later Leeds are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20
minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on
he goes.The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins
the game for Leeds. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are
delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her
about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he
says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0
down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the
media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed,
gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters,
and all while you were having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved
to Leeds in the first place!"

 

[OldGit]

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.

"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says.

Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his 'member'.

Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.

A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"

 

[Durham Fox]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual Question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying To trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick"

 

[MKFox]

The world expert on European wasps was strolling past a record shop. A sign caught his eye: "New Album - Wasps of the World" The man asked to hear the album and was given headphones. Three minutes later, he announced, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognize none of those."

The clerk offered to play another track. And another. And another. Still, the expert did not hear sounds he recognized. Suddenly, the clerk realized his mistake. "I'm really sorry," he said.

"I was playing you the b side."

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

:icon_roll :icon_lol:

 

[Melton Fox]

I can't believe I chuckled at that abomination of a joke

 

[Willlow]

The world expert on European wasps was strolling past a record shop. A sign caught his eye: "New Album - Wasps of the World" The man asked to hear the album and was given headphones. Three minutes later, he announced, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognize none of those."

The clerk offered to play another track. And another. And another. Still, the expert did not hear sounds he recognized. Suddenly, the clerk realized his mistake. "I'm really sorry," he said.

"I was playing you the b side."

Typical MK :icon_roll

 

[MHS]

I laughed. :icon_roll :icon_lol: :icon_redf