The random joke thread

[OldGit]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"You noticed then," quips the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"Of course I can talk," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the landlord, "Sorry about that, it's just that we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringleader, "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus," says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the landlord.

"The circus?"

"Yes!"

"That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah!"

"With all the animals?"

"Of course!"

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle," asks the duck.

"That's right," says the landlord.

The duck, now looking confused replied:

"What the hell would they want with a ****ing plasterer?"

 

[Scarby]

 

[MHS]

I got a joke for ya......today's referee

 

[fcukcov]

Coincidence



A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.



The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"



"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating."



"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating", says the woman.



"What a coincidence" says the man and as they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"



"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"



"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."



"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"



"I used a different cock," he replied.



The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

 

[Melton Fox]

Brilliant Leroy :icon_lol:

 

[OldGit]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around and eventually stops at a pub to try a pint or two of English beer. He continues sight-seeing and after a while, finds himself in a very high class area. Large stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He desperately needs to go, after all those pints of beer. He sees a narrow side street with high walls surrounding an adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a policeman who says, "You can't do that here sir!"

"I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah," said the policeman, "just follow me!" He leads him into the back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the copper, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British Hospitality?'"

"No sir", replied the bobby, "It's what we call the French Embassy."

 

[Motown Fox]

Thor and Odin are up in Valhalla and Thor turns to Odin and says, "It's
great being a god and everything but I haven't had sex in a millennium."
Odin says, "Well, what you need to do is go down to earth and find what they call a lady of the night and treat her."
So Thor goes down to earth and the next day returns with a smile from ear to ear. Odin says, "It was good, then?" "Good?" replies Thor. "It was great! We did it twenty-seven times in one night." Odin is horrified. "Twenty-seven times?!? Mere mortals can't handle that! Go back to earth and apologize," he tells Thor.
So Thor goes back and finds the woman and says, "Sorry about last night, see, I'm Thor..." The woman replies, "YOU'RE Thor? I can't even pith!"

 

[Motown Fox]

One day a man died and found himself in Hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so
glum?" The man responded, "Why do you think? I'm in Hell!" "Hell's not so
bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?" "Sure," the man said. "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna
love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,
Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke and vodka. We drink till we throw up and
then we drink some more!" The man was astounded. "Crikey, that sounds
great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're
gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and
smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead,
remember?" "Wow," the man said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I
bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays
you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots,
whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The
man said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't meanÖ" "That's right!
Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack.
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want,
you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the man said, starting to feel better about
his situation. "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon says, "You gay?" "No." the man replies "Ooooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

 

[Willlow]

One day a man died and found himself in Hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so
glum?" The man responded, "Why do you think? I'm in Hell!" "Hell's not so
bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?" "Sure," the man said. "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna
love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,
Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke and vodka. We drink till we throw up and
then we drink some more!" The man was astounded. "Crikey, that sounds
great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're
gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and
smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead,
remember?" "Wow," the man said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I
bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays
you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots,
whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The
man said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't meanÖ" "That's right!
Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack.
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want,
you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the man said, starting to feel better about
his situation. "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon says, "You gay?" "No." the man replies "Ooooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[Motown Fox]

A blind man enters a Ladies' Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool
and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls
absolutely quiet. In a very angry voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things: One - The bartender is
a blonde girl. Two - The bouncer is a blonde girl. Three - I'm a six-foot,
200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Four - The woman sitting
next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. Five - The lady to
your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it
seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks
for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times."

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[MHS]

haha fantastic. :icon_lol:

 

[jonlcfc1]

Why did the scarecrow win an award?



Because he was outstanding in his field.

 

[MHS]

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[Scarby]

boo

 

[From Gradel to Grave]

Were you trying to make me jump? It didn't work.

 

[Scarby]

Were you trying to make me jump? It didn't work.

bugger

 

[OldGit]

This youth wearing Nike trainers and a baseball cap, walked into his local job centre drinking a can of Special Brew.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "I'm looking for a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing!"

"We've just got a listing from a wealthy business man. He needs a chauffeur for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive them around in a stretched Limo. All meals are provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas trips. The total salary package is around £200,000 a year."

The youth said, "You're kidding me!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well you started it."

 

[muzzysgal]

One for the ladies:

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a
McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked

"Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my
dress size, you ****ing twat."

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going
to get it wrong.

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

:icon_bigg :icon_bigg

good luck with the scan :icon_wink