The random joke thread

[alex]

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

 

[MKFox]

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Boo!

 

[alex]

No point in the applause MK..... Voting's are over.

 

[MKFox]

No point in the applause MK..... Voting's are over.

**** you then....

 

[alex]

**** you then....

I do feel ****ed.

 

[MKFox]

I do feel ****ed.

Have the mini alex's not grasped the sleep idea yet?

 

[alex]

Have the mini alex's not grasped the sleep idea yet?

One (Tristan, who's 3) is great, Finn (10 months) is a ***********************************************************************************

 

[OldGit]

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

 

[Motown Fox]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went
to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a
book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my
bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

 

[MKFox]

What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?















Seeing her box.....

 

[LS6_Fox]

What's ET short for?








Because he's got short legs

 

[alex]

What's a shitzu?

One with no animals in.....

 

[MHS]

What's a shitzu?

One with no animals in.....

I thought it was a dog. :icon_roll :icon_wink

 

[OldGit]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

 

[MKFox]

Letters To Santa

Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care, kid. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your mum smoked pot when was pregnant with you, didn't she?
Santa


Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mum, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. I'll bring you
some Legos instead.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play station 3, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. You're
getting a Barbie.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the poker table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa


Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school during playtime. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams, Santa

 

[fosseboy83]

What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?




Seeing her box.....

that took me too long to get:icon_redf :icon_lol:

 

[Darth Vodka]

What's a shitzu?

One with no animals in.....

i heard a better version...

a man is walking around a zoo in Tokyo, there are no lions, no penguins, no tigers, no snakes, no giraffes...

in the end, all he finds is this tiny japanese dog




it's a shitzu

 

[Joe_Fox]

I think this version is better Durham:

A man goes to a zoo.
There is only one enclosure which contains a dog.
It was a Shitzu.

Thanks, Joe_Fox

 

[Darth Vodka]

went to Seafood Disco last night


pulled a mussel

 

[Joe_Fox]

and Melton got crabs