The random joke thread

[bocadillo]

I can't believe I chuckled at that abomination of a joke

Did you chuckle the first time it appeared here?

There's more repeats on here than there is on ITV2 !

 

[From Gradel to Grave]

Two cats need to cross a river. One two three cat and un deux trois.

Which one got across safely?

 

[MHS]

Two cats need to cross a river. One two three cat and un deux trois.

Which one got across safely?

 

[OldGit]

1 2 3 - un deux trois quatre cinq

 

[MHS]

ohhhhhhhh

 

[From Gradel to Grave]

ohhhhhhhh

Un deux trois cat sank is the correct answer!

 

[Willlow]

1 2 3 - un deux trois quatre cinq

Isnt this supposed to be a joke thread :icon_roll :icon_roll

 

[From Gradel to Grave]

Isnt this supposed to be a joke thread :icon_roll :icon_roll

:icon_lol: How do you block someone? :icon_wink

 

[fox58]

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks
into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters,
and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know
each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his
place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says
no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and
because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing
her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep
with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too
happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders
Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some
more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him
again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents
still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"


:icon_redf :icon_redf :icon_redf

 

[Scarby]

:icon_lol:

 

[MHS]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________


TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

 

[MKFox]

Have you been opening xmas crackers mhs?

 

[MKFox]

These are taken from the lonely hearts pages of Scottish newspapers, I bet half of them are our dear HF...

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini,
seeks nimble s*xpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions,
candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box
06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous s@x addict interested in
pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street
at three in the morning. Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by long-time fiancée seeks
decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel
world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 3/41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few
scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box
84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks
mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include
cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions.
References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b@stard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at
Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to
old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the
night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.

 

[Willlow]

:icon_lol: How do you block someone? :icon_wink

:icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[OldGit]

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dumb ass horse. For the last time...

BRING POSSEEEE!!!!

 

[fox58]

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dumb ass horse. For the last time...

BRING POSSEEEE!!!!

:icon_bigg :icon_bigg :icon_bigg

 

[fox58]

This was developed as an age test by Harvard University Take your time
and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average
person over 35 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

 

[Melton Fox]

:icon_lol:

 

[OldGit]

Wrong. It took me 50 seconds.

 

[lazzer]

jade goody has been attacked whilst in the priory by an elderly asian woman with a knife police state that they suspect it was a vicious ma shetty
attack