The random joke thread

[Motown Fox]

Sign at the entrance to a Village:-

There is no village idiot here we all take turns

 

[Scarby]

Sign at the entrance to Derby:-

There is no village idiot here we all take turns

 

[MHS]

Not Denby? :icon_lol:

 

[OldGit]

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, were travelling through Europe in their car. They got to Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light when, suddenly, out of nowhere, a midget Dracula jumped onto the hood of the car and hissed through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouted Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn on the windshield wipers. That will get rid of this vampire," said Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switched them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouted.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," replied Sister Helen.

So, Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer. The vampire screamed as the water burned his skin, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn paused for a moment then she opened the window and shouted, "That's it... get the **** off our car!"

 

[fox58]

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, were travelling through Europe in their car. They got to Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light when, suddenly, out of nowhere, a midget Dracula jumped onto the hood of the car and hissed through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouted Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn on the windshield wipers. That will get rid of this vampire," said Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switched them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouted.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," replied Sister Helen.

So, Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer. The vampire screamed as the water burned his skin, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn paused for a moment then she opened the window and shouted, "That's it... get the **** off our car!"

:icon_lol:

 

[Motown Fox]

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled
out a freezing needle to numb the area.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient shouted.

The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.

"I can't do the gas thing! The thought of having a gas mask on is
suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill. "No,"
the patient said, "I am fine with pills."

The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."

The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know ! Viagra works as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto
when I pull out your tooth."

 

[Motown Fox]

A bus full of Nuns die in a crash and find themselves outside St Peters
gates. Peter asks the 1st Nun "Have you ever had any contact with a Penis?"
"I once touched one with my fingers" was the reply. ""Then dip your finger
in Holy Water and Enter" Said the Angel.

To the next Nun the same Question. "I once fondled a Penis " she stated."Put
your offending hand in Holy Water my child and enter" said St Peter.

All of a sudden there was a commotion and a Nun pushes to the front. "Whoa"
said Peter "whats the rush?".

"Well" said the Nun " if i'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water your
Reverance, I want to do it before Sister Ann sticks her Arse in it"

 

[MHS]

A bus full of Nuns die in a crash and find themselves outside St Peters
gates. Peter asks the 1st Nun "Have you ever had any contact with a Penis?"
"I once touched one with my fingers" was the reply. ""Then dip your finger
in Holy Water and Enter" Said the Angel.

To the next Nun the same Question. "I once fondled a Penis " she stated."Put
your offending hand in Holy Water my child and enter" said St Peter.

All of a sudden there was a commotion and a Nun pushes to the front. "Whoa"
said Peter "whats the rush?".

"Well" said the Nun " if i'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water your
Reverance, I want to do it before Sister Ann sticks her Arse in it"

:icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[Siouxsie]

A man walks into a chip shop with a Trout under his arm. 'Do you do fishcakes ?' he asks the proprietor.
'Yes we do' he replies,
'well make him one, it's his birthday tomorrow'

 

[MHS]

:icon_lol:

 

[Scarby]

A man walks into a chip shop with a Trout under his arm. 'Do you do fishcakes ?' he asks the proprietor.
'Yes we do' he replies,
'well make him one, it's his birthday tomorrow'

 

[Motown Fox]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "Wat's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said ...................
"What's a headache?

 

[Motown Fox]

LITTLE VITO Part I

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word beautiful" in the same sentence
twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out to be beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
Little Vito.

He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful .... .... just ****ing beautiful!'"

 

[Scarby]

:icon_lol::icon_lol:

 

[Motown Fox]

LITTLE VITO Part II


Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, Class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Little Vito says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Vito, that's a mouthful."

Little Vito says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow job."

 

[MHS]

LITTLE VITO Part II


Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, Class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Little Vito says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Vito, that's a mouthful."

Little Vito says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow job."

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[Scarby]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

 

[Scarby]

A little boy was in the school's bathroom. He found there was no toilet paper so he used his hand. When he got back to his classroom the teacher asked what he had in his hand.

"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

The teacher couldn't get him to open his hand and sent him to the principal who also asked what he had in his hand.

"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was sent home with a note asking to see his parents, so his mom asked him what he had in his hand.

"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was sent to his room. In a while his dad came in and asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

Again came the reply, "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

His dad ordered him to open his hand, and as he did so the boy said "Oh no, Dad, look; you scared the shit out of him!"

 

[Scarby]

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says,"Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey,ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey f*cked a penguin, Dopey f*cked a penguin!"

 

[Scarby]

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you loos it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"