The random joke thread

[OldGit]

An old man comes out of a shop and sees a traffic warden writing out a ticket.

He goes up to him and says "Aw, come on mate. Give a pensioner a break". The warden ignores him and carries on.

"Oi, turd-face. haven't you got any repect for your elders?" The warden glares at him and writes out another ticket & sticks it on the car.

"You rotten sadistic bastard" Third ticket

"Well, I can't hang around chatting any longer, I've got to catch my bus"

 

[fosseboy83]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

 

[fcukcov]

happy feet?

But if they liked the cinema, they'd have seen them already, surely?

and some wouldn't like the free popcorn and would insist on the nachos with extra jalapenos. It could get very messy.

I don't think melts thought his ace joke through. Lack of attention to detail in my opinion. shoddy work...

Id imagine penguins wanting them luxury seats as well, fussy buggers.

 

[Macky]

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like
hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,"
Mike replies "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and
what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and Only costs five quid.....a
lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have Tennis elbow. Soak your arm
In warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.He mixed some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter
and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He
deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:
1)Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better........

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

 

[Motown Fox]

Little Old Lady in the dock in a Court in the States:-

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened on the
night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on
a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sat down beside me.

Defense Attorneyid you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died
some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid
down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I
shot him.

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

:icon_lol:

 

[fcukcov]

:icon_bigg

 

[Melton Fox]

:icon_bigg

:icon_lol:

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

:icon_lol:

 

[MHS]

:icon_bigg

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[SJN-Fox]

EVER WONDER, WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way:

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them

 

[Melton Fox]

:icon_lol:

 

[fcukcov]

Isn’t it a bit strange how all the schitts married someone with the same surname? Are they from melton?

 

[Melton Fox]

Isn’t it a bit strange how all the schitts married someone with the same surname? Are they from melton?

:icon_evil

 

[MKFox]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way:
he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each
of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in
the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks
confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh,no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me...I've quit drinking!"

 

[lazzer]

mk that is at least the 3rd time that has been posted :icon_lol:

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

he was probably pissed and forgot about the other 2 posts

 

[MKFox]

mk that is at least the 3rd time that has been posted :icon_lol:

I hadn't heard it for ages....:icon_cry:

 

[MHS]

It was last posted by Bocadillo on 10th of January.

http://www.talkingballs.co.uk/showpost.php?p=362147&postcount=593

 

[MKFox]

:icon_redf

ooops!

how about this one.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that ****ing ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"