The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
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OldGit
Well-Known Member
The Pope is visiting London, and Tony Blair takes him out for an afternoon on a river trip
They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat blows off his head and out into the water.
MI5 agents start to launch a boat, but Blair waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." He steps off the boat onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, picks it up, and then walks back and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to
the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the headlines in the Mail:
"Blair Can't Swim!"
They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat blows off his head and out into the water.
MI5 agents start to launch a boat, but Blair waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." He steps off the boat onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, picks it up, and then walks back and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to
the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the headlines in the Mail:
"Blair Can't Swim!"
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
LITTLE VITO PART III
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Vito.
He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Vito.
He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
he is a bright lad is little vito :icon_lol:
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together, she
starts talking about this really great new drink. The more
she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for
him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following
tems on the bar:
A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman
explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you
drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and
finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes
for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very
pleasant. He thinks... this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of
nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not
wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now
foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his
girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
While they're sitting there having a good time together, she
starts talking about this really great new drink. The more
she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for
him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following
tems on the bar:
A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman
explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you
drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and
finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes
for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very
pleasant. He thinks... this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of
nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not
wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now
foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his
girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
Two ladies were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his
groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his
side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender
and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels really, really great, but my thumb still hurts."
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his
groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his
side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender
and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels really, really great, but my thumb still hurts."
fox58
Well-Known Member
stevewalshwasgod
New Member
These are genuine clips from council complaint letters...
> >
> >My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
>fungus
> >growing in it.
> >
> >He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
> >take it anymore.
> >
> >It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
> >
> >I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
> >knob off.
> >
> >I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
> >his foot in the hole in his back passage. And their 18 year old son is
> >continually banging his balls against my fence.
> >
> >I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
> >think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
> >
> >My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
> >
> >I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
> >
> >Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and
> >fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
> >
> >I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.50% of the walls
> >are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
> >
> >I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
> >
> >The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
>cleared.
> >
> >Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
> >not fit to drink.
> >
> >Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
> >
> >The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
> >unsightly and dangerous.
> >
> >Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so
> >please send someone round to do something about it.
> >
> >I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
> >something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
> >
> >Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
> >wife.
> >
> >I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
>have
> >no satisfaction.
> >
> >This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
> >BBC2
> >
> >My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
>fungus
> >growing in it.
> >
> >He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
> >take it anymore.
> >
> >It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
> >
> >I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
> >knob off.
> >
> >I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
> >his foot in the hole in his back passage. And their 18 year old son is
> >continually banging his balls against my fence.
> >
> >I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
> >think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
> >
> >My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
> >
> >I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
> >
> >Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and
> >fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
> >
> >I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.50% of the walls
> >are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
> >
> >I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
> >
> >The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
>cleared.
> >
> >Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
> >not fit to drink.
> >
> >Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
> >
> >The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
> >unsightly and dangerous.
> >
> >Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so
> >please send someone round to do something about it.
> >
> >I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
> >something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
> >
> >Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
> >wife.
> >
> >I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
>have
> >no satisfaction.
> >
> >This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
> >BBC2
Hector
Well-Known Member
There aren't any penguins in Alaska.
OldGit
Well-Known Member
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
My mate's a lorry driver.
One of his clients asked him to take 50 penguins to London Zoo and paid him £500 fee as agreed prior
My mate had £100 change left and so decided to take them to the pictures as well
One of his clients asked him to take 50 penguins to London Zoo and paid him £500 fee as agreed prior
My mate had £100 change left and so decided to take them to the pictures as well
fosseboy83
Active Member
tell us a joke we know!
MKFox
New Member
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
Penguins will count as concessions, and I'm sure the popcorn would have been donated due to the novelty value of seeing the penguins in the cinema, also think of the press covergae and free advertising they'd recieve.
Also, all the bloody penguins will go there if they think the popcorn is free. Great marketing for the cinema
fcukcov
Active Member
MKFox
New Member
happy feet?march of the penguins surely, or a batman film?
But if they liked the cinema, they'd have seen them already, surely?
and some wouldn't like the free popcorn and would insist on the nachos with extra jalapenos. It could get very messy.
I don't think melts thought his ace joke through. Lack of attention to detail in my opinion. shoddy work...
fosseboy83
Active Member
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
Penguins are fairly easy going guys, if one jumps onto a block of ice, the others will usually follow. And vice versa when jumping back into the icy waters.
I don't expect it to be a problem. I'm sure there would be one or two that were undecided about which film to watch, but any penguins deviating from the designated film would be excluded from the free popcorn deal, I'm sure this would see them straight
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| 1 | Manchester C | 4 | 12 |
| 2 | Arsenal | 4 | 10 |
| 3 | Newcastle | 4 | 10 |
| 4 | Liverpool | 4 | 9 |
| 5 | Aston Villa | 4 | 9 |
| 6 | Brighton | 4 | 8 |
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| 18 | Wolves | 4 | 1 |
| 19 | Southampton | 4 | 0 |
| 20 | Everton | 4 | 0 |
