pds
Active Member
:icon_lol:
The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
:icon_lol:
Nottingham Fox
Moderator
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barbers chair eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at the little girl and says "Sweetheart, your gonna get hair on your muffin", "I know" replies the litttle girl "Im gonna get tits too"
homer
Well-Known Member
Appears about three times on the Bob Woolmer thread, mate
Last edited:
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
its already been done..too late dude
Darth Vodka
Well-Known Member
pds
Active Member
:icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol:
OldGit
Well-Known Member
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson...
"They won't let me fart."
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson...
"They won't let me fart."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?"
the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it."
the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?"
the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it."
the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
loving this thread spent nearly 2 hours reading it and am up to page 27 old git is my favourite comedian so far did like mk's stick men though 
MKFox
New Member
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
LCFC - not particularly funny but they are a joke
MKFox
New Member
Have you been drinking Brasso again yv?
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
er why :icon_conf :icon_redf
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
not sure if anyones put this yet but........
paddy plays the lottery and wins 6million he rings to claim his prize and in reply camelot say " unfortunatley we are short of funds right now so could we pay you 3mill this week and 3 mill next? " his answer "look if ya gonna **** me about ill have me quid back"
paddy plays the lottery and wins 6million he rings to claim his prize and in reply camelot say " unfortunatley we are short of funds right now so could we pay you 3mill this week and 3 mill next? " his answer "look if ya gonna **** me about ill have me quid back"
OldGit
Well-Known Member
Once upon a time a company had a large equipment storage site on the edge of town
The board were concerned that someone might steal from it at night.So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
But one of the bright young men with an MBA said "How can you be sure the warchman will be effective with no-one to tell him what to do. So they set up a planning department with one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Buth the bright young man said "You still can't be certain the night watchman is doing his tasks efficiently.You need a Quality Control department with two people, one to do studies and one to write the reports.
Then the board realised there was now a group of people without proper personnel control. So they hired a time keeper and a payroll officer. But the bright young man pointed out that this whole new department was not integrated with the rest of the company. So they created a new administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
When the next quarters management accounts came in the board saw they were £18,000 over budget, and decided they had to economise.
So they laid off the night watchman.
I think I've worked there. Have you?
The board were concerned that someone might steal from it at night.So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
But one of the bright young men with an MBA said "How can you be sure the warchman will be effective with no-one to tell him what to do. So they set up a planning department with one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Buth the bright young man said "You still can't be certain the night watchman is doing his tasks efficiently.You need a Quality Control department with two people, one to do studies and one to write the reports.
Then the board realised there was now a group of people without proper personnel control. So they hired a time keeper and a payroll officer. But the bright young man pointed out that this whole new department was not integrated with the rest of the company. So they created a new administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
When the next quarters management accounts came in the board saw they were £18,000 over budget, and decided they had to economise.
So they laid off the night watchman.
I think I've worked there. Have you?
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
* The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.
* The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
* Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
* The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
* The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.
* The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
* Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
* The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
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