Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
Mummy mummy can i like the bowl out when we're done?
No you can flush it like the rest of us!!
No you can flush it like the rest of us!!
The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
pds
Active Member
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
lazzer
Moderator
A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he
> settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.
> He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo!
>
>
>
> She took the seat right beside him.
>
> Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or
> holiday?"
>
> She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
> Annual
> Nymph Omaniac Convention in the United States ."
>
> The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
> seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymph
> Omaniacs!
>
> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
>
> "What's your business role at this convention?"
>
> "Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
> popular myths about sexuality."
>
> Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"
>
> "Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
> are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
> Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
>
> Another popular myth is that French men are the best l0vers, when
> actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the
> best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
>
> Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
>
> "I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,
> I don't even know your name!"
>
> "Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me
> Paddy."
> settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.
> He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo!
>
>
>
> She took the seat right beside him.
>
> Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or
> holiday?"
>
> She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
> Annual
> Nymph Omaniac Convention in the United States ."
>
> The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
> seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymph
> Omaniacs!
>
> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
>
> "What's your business role at this convention?"
>
> "Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
> popular myths about sexuality."
>
> Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"
>
> "Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
> are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
> Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
>
> Another popular myth is that French men are the best l0vers, when
> actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the
> best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
>
> Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
>
> "I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,
> I don't even know your name!"
>
> "Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me
> Paddy."
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
MKFox
New Member
And you complained about me posting something for the fifth time....:icon_roll
MKFox
New Member
Han
Active Member
DATING IN 1957
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
Hector
Well-Known Member
Hector
Well-Known Member
lazzer
Moderator
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some shopping done
for my
little boys' forthcoming birthday.
I was stressed out and a little irate.
It was dark, cold, and wet in the car park as I was loading my car up
with
gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a
receipt
that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my
steps to
the shopping centre entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a
quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12
years
old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
old
football shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly
enough, he
was holding a fifty pound note in his hand.
Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was
wrong.
He told me his sad story.
He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and
four
sisters all of whom also had birthdays imminent just like my little
boy.
His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly
educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to
support her
large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save one
hundred
pounds to buy her children birthday presents.
The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her
second
job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and
save
just enough to take the bus home.
He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed
one
of the fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?"
The boy stared at the pavement and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up, tears in his eyes and meekly whispered,
"Help
me!"
I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
for
help.
So I grabbed his other fifty pound note and legged it back to my car.
Result or what? !!
for my
little boys' forthcoming birthday.
I was stressed out and a little irate.
It was dark, cold, and wet in the car park as I was loading my car up
with
gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a
receipt
that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my
steps to
the shopping centre entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a
quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12
years
old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
old
football shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly
enough, he
was holding a fifty pound note in his hand.
Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was
wrong.
He told me his sad story.
He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and
four
sisters all of whom also had birthdays imminent just like my little
boy.
His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly
educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to
support her
large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save one
hundred
pounds to buy her children birthday presents.
The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her
second
job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and
save
just enough to take the bus home.
He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed
one
of the fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?"
The boy stared at the pavement and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up, tears in his eyes and meekly whispered,
"Help
me!"
I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
for
help.
So I grabbed his other fifty pound note and legged it back to my car.
Result or what? !!
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A building worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the arse with a cricketl bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent it happening again?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the arse with a cricketl bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent it happening again?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
Hector
Well-Known Member
And there was me thinking the punchline would involve "shitting a brick".
SJN-Fox
Well-Known Member
Sinner to Priest, "Father, I have sinned; it has been one month
since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for
the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger and
take three Hail Mary's for your penance"
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession.
I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?
"A new woman in the parish," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be
stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your
Penance."
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the
Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes
fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew
right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short,
withmatching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as
the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon
Stone-style
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?
The altar boy quietly replies, "No Father, I think it's just the
reflection off her shoes."
since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for
the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger and
take three Hail Mary's for your penance"
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession.
I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?
"A new woman in the parish," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be
stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your
Penance."
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the
Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes
fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew
right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short,
withmatching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as
the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon
Stone-style
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?
The altar boy quietly replies, "No Father, I think it's just the
reflection off her shoes."
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
what goalkeeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
all of them because a crossbar cant jump!!
so lame i apologise
all of them because a crossbar cant jump!!
so lame i apologise
Darth Vodka
Well-Known Member
fosseboy83
Active Member
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close
to
> death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
> inevitable,when
>
> all of a sudden...... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees
bacon I
> is
> sure of eet"
> "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
> So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
there,
> in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon,
dripping
> with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked
> bacon...every
> imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
> "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
> "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
forget"
> "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like
bacon...ees no
> meerage, ees a bacon tree".
> And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres,
> Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun
opens
> up,
>
> and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
> It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages
> to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
> "Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree"
> "Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?"
> "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
> Ees.....
>
> Ees.....
>
> Ees.....
>
> Ees....
>
>
>
> Eees a Ham Bush!
to
> death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
> inevitable,when
>
> all of a sudden...... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees
bacon I
> is
> sure of eet"
> "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
> So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
there,
> in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon,
dripping
> with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked
> bacon...every
> imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
> "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
> "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
forget"
> "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like
bacon...ees no
> meerage, ees a bacon tree".
> And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres,
> Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun
opens
> up,
>
> and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
> It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages
> to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
> "Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree"
> "Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?"
> "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
> Ees.....
>
> Ees.....
>
> Ees.....
>
> Ees....
>
>
>
> Eees a Ham Bush!
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
fcukcov
Active Member
Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day Marilyn and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there
for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about
giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and
continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
turd. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tyres.
So Marilyn called him a s***head. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care, because we came into town
by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that
we're retired. It's important at our age
do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day Marilyn and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there
for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about
giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and
continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
turd. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tyres.
So Marilyn called him a s***head. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care, because we came into town
by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that
we're retired. It's important at our age
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Manchester C | 4 | 12 |
| 2 | Arsenal | 4 | 10 |
| 3 | Newcastle | 4 | 10 |
| 4 | Liverpool | 4 | 9 |
| 5 | Aston Villa | 4 | 9 |
| 6 | Brighton | 4 | 8 |
| 7 | Nottm F | 4 | 8 |
| 8 | Chelsea | 4 | 7 |
| 9 | Brentford | 4 | 6 |
| 10 | Manchester U | 4 | 6 |
| 11 | Bournemouth | 4 | 5 |
| 12 | Fulham | 4 | 5 |
| 13 | Tottenham | 4 | 4 |
| 14 | West Ham | 4 | 4 |
| 15 | Leicester | 4 | 2 |
| 16 | Palace | 4 | 2 |
| 17 | Ipswich | 4 | 2 |
| 18 | Wolves | 4 | 1 |
| 19 | Southampton | 4 | 0 |
| 20 | Everton | 4 | 0 |
