The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
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MKFox
New Member
A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the
hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies,
"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't
charge you anything, it's on the house"
The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon
for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You
don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of
the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."
The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a
haircut and a beard trim.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask
you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise
man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.
hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies,
"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't
charge you anything, it's on the house"
The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon
for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You
don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of
the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."
The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a
haircut and a beard trim.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask
you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise
man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.
fosseboy83
Active Member
City Fan
Well-Known Member
Does anyone else not get that?
Jews have a reputation for being misers.
bocadillo
Water Gypsy
Are you saying that Steve Archibald was a scottish miser?
OldGit
Well-Known Member
Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe shop in Baghdad, chatting over a pint of warm goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and
starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides "a suicide bomber." "Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "a car bomber." "Oh gracious me", says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed." He's 18", she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says..."They blow up so fast, don't they?"............
starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides "a suicide bomber." "Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "a car bomber." "Oh gracious me", says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed." He's 18", she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says..."They blow up so fast, don't they?"............
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
:icon_lol:
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A man asked to speak with the vicar's wife, a woman well known for her charitable nature.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and their children are starving. They're about to be evicted unless someone pays their £800 rent arrears."
"How terrible!" said the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The visitor dabbed his eyes with his handkerchief and sobbed, "I'm the landlord!"
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and their children are starving. They're about to be evicted unless someone pays their £800 rent arrears."
"How terrible!" said the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The visitor dabbed his eyes with his handkerchief and sobbed, "I'm the landlord!"
SJN-Fox
Well-Known Member
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
what do ya call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug!
what do ya call a man with no spade on his head?
Douglas!
sorry!!!
Doug!
what do ya call a man with no spade on his head?
Douglas!
sorry!!!
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OldGit
Well-Known Member
One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
Her friend replied, “Don't worry - I can lend you a vase”
She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
Her friend replied, “Don't worry - I can lend you a vase”
drummindefender
Active Member
Darth Vodka
Well-Known Member
Your Mum's So Fat....when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating
disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
Your Mum's So Fat....she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Your Mum's So Fat....her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Your Mum's So Fat....when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her
peanuts.
Your Mum's So Fat....her driver's license says "Picture continued on
otherside."
Your Mum's So Fat....the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
Your Mum's So Fat....all the restaurants in town have signs that say
"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Your Mum".
Your Mum's So Fat....when she ran away, they had to use all four sides
of the milk carton.
Your Mum's So Fat....when she gets in an lift, it HAS to go down.
Your Mum's So Fat....she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Your Mum's So Fat....she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Your Mum's So Fat....I had to take a train and two buses just to get on
her
disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
Your Mum's So Fat....she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Your Mum's So Fat....her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Your Mum's So Fat....when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her
peanuts.
Your Mum's So Fat....her driver's license says "Picture continued on
otherside."
Your Mum's So Fat....the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
Your Mum's So Fat....all the restaurants in town have signs that say
"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Your Mum".
Your Mum's So Fat....when she ran away, they had to use all four sides
of the milk carton.
Your Mum's So Fat....when she gets in an lift, it HAS to go down.
Your Mum's So Fat....she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Your Mum's So Fat....she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Your Mum's So Fat....I had to take a train and two buses just to get on
her
bocadillo
Water Gypsy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy testing kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I
will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000
each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I
will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000
each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."
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bocadillo
Water Gypsy
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
OldGit
Well-Known Member
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
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