Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
:icon_lol:
The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Last edited:
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A pirate walks into a bar with his fly unzipped and a ship's wheel down his pants. A few patrons give him funny looks as he approaches the bar.
After he orders a drink, the bartender asks him, "You know you have a steering wheel hanging from your package?"
"Ay," the pirate responds. "It's drivin' me nuts!"
After he orders a drink, the bartender asks him, "You know you have a steering wheel hanging from your package?"
"Ay," the pirate responds. "It's drivin' me nuts!"
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
fcukcov
Active Member
> >A Tale of Two Prawns Read it and weep!! Far away in the tropical
> waters of
>
> >the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the ocean, one
> >called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were
> constantly
> >being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
> Finally
> >one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I
> wish I
>
> >was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A
> >large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo
and
> >behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately
> swam
> >away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it
> invariably
> >does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old
> >mates simply swam away
> >whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new
> menacing
> >appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While
> >swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
> >perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He
> >approached the cod and begged to be changed back and lo and behold,
he
> >found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny
> >little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them each a
> cocktail
> >(the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse
> than
> >that). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he
couldn't
> see
> >his old pal.
> >"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that
his
> >best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the
> reply.
> >Eager to put things right again and end the
> >mutual pain and torture. He set off to Christian's abode. As he
opened
> the
>
> >coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and
> shouted:
>
> >"It's me, Justin, your old friend, Come out and see me again."
> Christian
> >replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark now, not my
friend
> and
> >I wont be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm
> not.
>
> >That was the old me. I've changed........." (You're going to love
> >this.....)
> >
> >
> > (Scroll Down...)
> >
> >
> >
> >"I've found Cod.
> >
> >I'm a Prawn again Christian."
> >
> >
>
> waters of
>
> >the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the ocean, one
> >called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were
> constantly
> >being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
> Finally
> >one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I
> wish I
>
> >was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A
> >large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo
and
> >behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately
> swam
> >away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it
> invariably
> >does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old
> >mates simply swam away
> >whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new
> menacing
> >appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While
> >swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
> >perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He
> >approached the cod and begged to be changed back and lo and behold,
he
> >found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny
> >little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them each a
> cocktail
> >(the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse
> than
> >that). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he
couldn't
> see
> >his old pal.
> >"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that
his
> >best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the
> reply.
> >Eager to put things right again and end the
> >mutual pain and torture. He set off to Christian's abode. As he
opened
> the
>
> >coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and
> shouted:
>
> >"It's me, Justin, your old friend, Come out and see me again."
> Christian
> >replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark now, not my
friend
> and
> >I wont be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm
> not.
>
> >That was the old me. I've changed........." (You're going to love
> >this.....)
> >
> >
> > (Scroll Down...)
> >
> >
> >
> >"I've found Cod.
> >
> >I'm a Prawn again Christian."
> >
> >
>
pds
Active Member
Quality.
fosseboy83
Active Member
who turfed up bob monkhouse? go on own up:icon_lol:
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
Shouldnt have made me laugh, but it did!:icon_redf:icon_redf
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
I know Mr Muller, did I ever say 
:icon_wink :icon_lol:
:icon_wink :icon_lol:
Matt_B
Well-Known Member
A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the Scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living **** out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientèle stood silent and motionless.
Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:
Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"
Scouser: "Dunno, but it was something about a 'job'"
Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:
Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"
Scouser: "Dunno, but it was something about a 'job'"
Darth Vodka
Well-Known Member
there's a Geordie, a Mackem and a black bloke waiting at the maternity ward whilst their wives are giving birth
the nurse come over and says "I've got good news and bad news, the good news is you've all got healthy sons and the mothers are doing fine"
"the bad news is, we've mixed the babies up and we don't know which is which"
the Geordie grabs the black kid, runs out past the black bloke and says "sorry mate, one of them's a Mackem, I can't take the risk"
the nurse come over and says "I've got good news and bad news, the good news is you've all got healthy sons and the mothers are doing fine"
"the bad news is, we've mixed the babies up and we don't know which is which"
the Geordie grabs the black kid, runs out past the black bloke and says "sorry mate, one of them's a Mackem, I can't take the risk"
OldGit
Well-Known Member
Two women go to the zoo.
They get to the gorilla cage and this huge Silverback is sitting there with a massive hard on. One of the women turns to the other and exclaims, "Look at the size of that -it's like a baby's arm holding a toffee apple. I'd love to get my hands on that."
The other agrees but before she can point out the danger her friend has put her arm through the bars of the cage and grabbed the gorilla's enormous bell-end. The gorilla grabs the arm and pulls her towards the cage. He keeps pulling and pulling and eventually the poor woman shoots through the bars with a loud scream.
The gorilla then gives her the hardest rogering she's ever had. The friend runs for help and after about an hour they finally get the gorilla sedated with a dart and the woman is dragged, bruised and bleeding, from the cage.
She's rushed to hospital and they undertake several hours of surgery . When she eventually comes round the friend is sitting at her bedside.
" I'm so glad you've woken up at last - I was absolutely terrified- tell me does it hurt?"
"HURT," says her friend, "HURT! - I'll say it hurts - 2 days and he hasn't phoned, no flowers, not even a postcard..."
They get to the gorilla cage and this huge Silverback is sitting there with a massive hard on. One of the women turns to the other and exclaims, "Look at the size of that -it's like a baby's arm holding a toffee apple. I'd love to get my hands on that."
The other agrees but before she can point out the danger her friend has put her arm through the bars of the cage and grabbed the gorilla's enormous bell-end. The gorilla grabs the arm and pulls her towards the cage. He keeps pulling and pulling and eventually the poor woman shoots through the bars with a loud scream.
The gorilla then gives her the hardest rogering she's ever had. The friend runs for help and after about an hour they finally get the gorilla sedated with a dart and the woman is dragged, bruised and bleeding, from the cage.
She's rushed to hospital and they undertake several hours of surgery . When she eventually comes round the friend is sitting at her bedside.
" I'm so glad you've woken up at last - I was absolutely terrified- tell me does it hurt?"
"HURT," says her friend, "HURT! - I'll say it hurts - 2 days and he hasn't phoned, no flowers, not even a postcard..."
fcukcov
Active Member
6 BEST SMART AS* ANSWERS OF 2006
SMART AS* ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART AS* ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART AS* ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART AS* ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
SMART AS* ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART AS* ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
SMART AS* ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART AS* ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART AS* ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART AS* ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
SMART AS* ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART AS* ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.
"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.
"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"
"That's terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.
"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"
"Good for you! You said the right thing.
So what did you say to your best friend?"
"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said...
...BAD DOG!"
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.
"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.
"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"
"That's terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.
"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"
"Good for you! You said the right thing.
So what did you say to your best friend?"
"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said...
...BAD DOG!"
MKFox
New Member
:icon_lol:
stevewalshwasgod
New Member
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Manchester C | 4 | 12 |
| 2 | Arsenal | 4 | 10 |
| 3 | Newcastle | 4 | 10 |
| 4 | Liverpool | 4 | 9 |
| 5 | Aston Villa | 4 | 9 |
| 6 | Brighton | 4 | 8 |
| 7 | Nottm F | 4 | 8 |
| 8 | Chelsea | 4 | 7 |
| 9 | Brentford | 4 | 6 |
| 10 | Manchester U | 4 | 6 |
| 11 | Bournemouth | 4 | 5 |
| 12 | Fulham | 4 | 5 |
| 13 | Tottenham | 4 | 4 |
| 14 | West Ham | 4 | 4 |
| 15 | Leicester | 4 | 2 |
| 16 | Palace | 4 | 2 |
| 17 | Ipswich | 4 | 2 |
| 18 | Wolves | 4 | 1 |
| 19 | Southampton | 4 | 0 |
| 20 | Everton | 4 | 0 |
