Who designed King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I had a car accident this morning - went straight into the back of someone.
Bloke got out of his car, he was a dwarf. He came over and he said "I'm not happy".
So I said "Well which one are you then?"
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, Honey ? Please ? Just once more before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
An englishman, irishman and scotsman walk into a pub, and the barman says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
Three women die. They arrive at the gates of Heaven and are met by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven." he says. "You can do anything you like, but don't step on a duck."
So the women go into Heaven, and there are ducks everywhere. They begin to step around, very carefully, but before too long one of the women steps on a duck. In an instant, St. Peter is there, accompanied by an ugly bloke.
"Ahh," he says, "you stepped on a duck. So now you must be chained to this man forever."
He chains the woman to the ugly bloke, and disappears, so off they go, leaving two women. They manage to last a while, but then the second woman steps on a duck. Again, St. Peter appears, and again, he has an ugly bloke with him.
"Ahh, you have stepped on a duck, so you must be with this man forever."
So he chains them together, disappears, and off they go.
The third woman manages days, weeks, months, without stepping on a duck. Then, suddenly, St. Peter appears, but this time he is joined by a good-looking bloke. He chains them together, and disappears.
The woman turns to the bloke.
"What was all that about?" she asks.
"Well, I don't know about you," says the man, "but I stood on a duck."
Have you heard the one about the dyslexic bulimic?
Choked on her own Vimto.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are @ssholes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an @sshole."
the 4 stages of life:
~you belive in santa~
~you don't believe in santa~
~you are santa~
~you look like santa~
I was in B&Q the other day, when this fella in orange overalls comes up & asks me if I want decking....So I got the first one in....
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
What did the vet say to the dog who kept licking his balls?
Thanks!
Tony Blair is visiting a hospital.
"How are you today?" he asks the old man in the first bed.
"Wee sleekit cow'rin' tim'rous beastie," screams the man at him, so he moves on.
"And how are you?" he asks the second patient.
"Some hae meat but cannae eat!" yells this one.
"Hmm," says Tony to the doctor. "Is this the psychiatric unit?"
"Naw - it's the Serious Burns Unit."
(warning, quantum mechanics joke)
Heisenberg is driving in his car when he sees the flashing blue lights of a molice motorbike in his rear view mirror. He pulls in to the side and winds down the window. "Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?" says the cop. "No, but I know where I am" he replies.
3 couples get married and are spending their wedding night in the same hotel. The couples get talking at the bar for a while and then the brides decide to go up to their respoective rooms and await the nuptial doo-dahs, leaving the men at the bar. The men get talking and one asks "As this is our wedding night do you think we are supposed to perform more than normal?"
"Good question" replies another, "how many times do you think we will have to do the deed?"
"Not sure" replies the third. "Why don't we compare notes in the morning on the number of times we had sex?"
"OK," say number one, "but we will have to be discrete. Why don't we, at breakfast, order as many pieces of toast as times we had sex".
"Great idea" they agree
The grooms sup up and go off to their marrital beds.
In the morning, at breakfast, the three couples are sitting at their tables. The waitress goes over to the first to take the order.
"Can I have a full English breakfast with FIVE pieces of toast please". The other grooms look over in approval. After taking the bride's ordder the waitress moves to the second table.
"I would like a continental breakfast with SEVEN pieces of toast please." The other two grooms look over and nod in admiration.
Finally the waitress goes to the third table.
"I would like a full English with NINE pieces of toast please." The other two grooms are dumb-struck in admiration.
As the waitress heads to the kitch he shouts "And can you make three of them brown please".
