The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
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Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
No one makes a monkey out of you eh Darth
fosseboy83
Active Member
no cos he's a chimp
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
The Pimps do.
Here's a few quick ones:
- A man goes to one of those psychic nights in a Leicester pub and says to one of them 'are you any good' and she replies 'no, just medium'
- Would those of you who believe in telekenisis, please raise my hand.
- I sent a postcard to my psychiatrist saying 'having a lovely time, wish you were here to tell me why.'
- I actually want to be a pschiatrist, because I want to enter a profession where the customer is always wrong.
- A lorry was hijacked outside Leicester carrying a cargo of Viagra tablets. Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
- A couple of lightbulb jokes:
Q. How many rich girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, she just says 'daddy, I need a new appartment'
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, they call a workman in and then accuse him of sexual harrassment.
- A man goes to one of those psychic nights in a Leicester pub and says to one of them 'are you any good' and she replies 'no, just medium'
- Would those of you who believe in telekenisis, please raise my hand.
- I sent a postcard to my psychiatrist saying 'having a lovely time, wish you were here to tell me why.'
- I actually want to be a pschiatrist, because I want to enter a profession where the customer is always wrong.
- A lorry was hijacked outside Leicester carrying a cargo of Viagra tablets. Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
- A couple of lightbulb jokes:
Q. How many rich girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, she just says 'daddy, I need a new appartment'
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, they call a workman in and then accuse him of sexual harrassment.
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately. The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, ... 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately. The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, ... 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
MKFox
New Member
:icon_razz
City Fan
Well-Known Member
That joke is so wrong..............but still fecking hilarious! :icon_lol::icon_lol:
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
That is wrong, so very wrong. The type of joke that should appall me.
Bu **** me it was funny :icon_lol:
fcukcov
Active Member
A small boy is hit by a car and is lying injured in the middle of the road. A man runs over to see if he is ok. The man says, "small boy are you ok?" The boy replys, "I think im dying sir." The man fights back the tears and says, "shall I get a priest for you boy?" The boy, with his last few breaths says, "****ing hell man Im dying the last thing on my mind is sex."
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
Due to the success of the west yorkshire police in the shannon mathews case police involved in the maddie investigation have now gone back to the mccanns villa to check under the bed.
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, 'Mary. Mary.'
'Is that you, Fred? '
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again. '
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'
'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Somerset.'
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, 'Mary. Mary.'
'Is that you, Fred? '
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again. '
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'
'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Somerset.'
SJN-Fox
Well-Known Member
Compare, if you will...
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school
1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school
1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
drummindefender
Active Member
After being found safe and sound shannon matthews utters her first words to the police
"have newcastle won yet?"
to which the policeman replies "don't be ****ing daft you've only been gone a month"
"have newcastle won yet?"
to which the policeman replies "don't be ****ing daft you've only been gone a month"
jockyatwigston
New Member
A guy goes to the doctor for test results. Doctor says i`ve got some bad news and some very bad news. Guy says " give me the bad news first". doctor says " youve got terminal cancer". Guy says " ok, now give me the very bad news". Doctor replies " youve got alzheimers disease". Guy says " Doctor, thank god its not cancer".
muzzysgal
Active Member
Hilarious.
fcukcov
Active Member
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£25"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£75"
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"£100."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now"
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£25"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£75"
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"£100."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now"
spionfox
Well-Known Member
Amazing Simple Home Remedies
1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.
2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be
Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring
A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.
2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be
Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring
A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
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| 1 | Manchester C | 9 | 23 |
| 2 | Liverpool | 9 | 22 |
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| 20 | Southampton | 9 | 1 |
