The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
The Major
Active Member
A drunk walks into the bar where a buxom barmaid is serving. He walks upto the barmaid and grabs her breasts.
BARMAID:'What are you doing!'
DRUNK: 'Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were my wife, you look just like her.'
BARMAID:'You lying drunken bastard' she replied angrily.
DRUNK: 'See, you even sound like her now.'
BARMAID:'What are you doing!'
DRUNK: 'Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were my wife, you look just like her.'
BARMAID:'You lying drunken bastard' she replied angrily.
DRUNK: 'See, you even sound like her now.'
Last edited:
FryattFox
Well-Known Member
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
This must be doing the rounds I had exactly the same one emailed to me this morning
Last edited:
Lincoln City?
Dickovforengland!
New Member
ONE LINERS FROM THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... was it self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?"
- Steven Alan Green at C34
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Unknown
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... was it self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?"
- Steven Alan Green at C34
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Unknown
MKFox
New Member
The current mrs MK just sent me this....:icon_conf
Women's Arse size study
There is a new study just released by the British Psychiatric Association
about women and how they feel about their arses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man,
and they would have married him anyway.
Women's Arse size study
There is a new study just released by the British Psychiatric Association
about women and how they feel about their arses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man,
and they would have married him anyway.
drummindefender
Active Member
dump the cow mk
fcukcov
Active Member
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she
had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr
Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt
her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly
Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him
take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was
pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as
she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her
Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out
Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she
had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr
Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt
her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly
Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him
take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was
pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as
she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her
Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out
Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
Singth
Active Member
Haha I'm gonna use that one
Macky
Gruntled Member
An English archaeologist at a dig in the south of England discovers 200 year old copper cabling and exchange switching equipment and deduces that 200 years ago England must've had a telephone network.
A Scottish archaeologist at a dig outside of Edinburgh uncovers 400 year old copper cabling and exchange switching equipment and deduces that 200 years before England, Scotland must've had a telephone network.
An Irish archaeologist at a dig in Kerry digs for months and months and finds **** all and deduces that before Scotland and England had their telephone network, Ireland had already gone wireless.
A Scottish archaeologist at a dig outside of Edinburgh uncovers 400 year old copper cabling and exchange switching equipment and deduces that 200 years before England, Scotland must've had a telephone network.
An Irish archaeologist at a dig in Kerry digs for months and months and finds **** all and deduces that before Scotland and England had their telephone network, Ireland had already gone wireless.
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
Dickovforengland!
New Member
MKFox
New Member
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own, at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a Pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off mate, I'm on Disability Benefit.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own, at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a Pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off mate, I'm on Disability Benefit.
Last edited:
fcukcov
Active Member
THE COFFIN
Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most
Of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only
Broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a
Dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain
He saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box
Approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
Clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put
His head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........
BUMP.... BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he
Heard the coffin speed up after him ...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
Only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his
Keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,
Slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
Slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
The front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
Allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
Its chase ..
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
Take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
Launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
Bathroom door flew off its hinges ...
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
Terrified lad.
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
Cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at
The coffin ... still it came ........
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it
Came......
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ...
The coffin stopped.
Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most
Of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only
Broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a
Dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain
He saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box
Approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
Clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put
His head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........
BUMP.... BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he
Heard the coffin speed up after him ...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
Only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his
Keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,
Slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
Slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
The front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
Allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
Its chase ..
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
Take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
Launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
Bathroom door flew off its hinges ...
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
Terrified lad.
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
Cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at
The coffin ... still it came ........
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it
Came......
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ...
The coffin stopped.
- Status
Championship
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Leicester | 46 | 97 |
| 2 | Ipswich | 46 | 96 |
| 3 | Leeds Utd | 46 | 90 |
| 4 | Southampton | 46 | 87 |
| 5 | West Brom | 46 | 75 |
| 6 | Norwich City | 46 | 73 |
| 7 | Hull City | 46 | 70 |
| 8 | Middlesbro | 46 | 69 |
| 9 | Coventry City | 46 | 64 |
| 10 | Preston | 46 | 63 |
| 11 | Bristol City | 46 | 62 |
| 12 | Cardiff City | 46 | 62 |
| 13 | Millwall | 46 | 59 |
| 14 | Swansea City | 46 | 57 |
| 15 | Watford | 46 | 56 |
| 16 | Sunderland | 46 | 56 |
| 17 | Stoke City | 46 | 56 |
| 18 | QPR | 46 | 56 |
| 19 | Blackburn | 46 | 53 |
| 20 | Sheffield W | 46 | 53 |
| 21 | Plymouth | 46 | 51 |
| 22 | Birmingham | 46 | 50 |
| 23 | Huddersfield | 46 | 45 |
| 24 | Rotherham Utd | 46 | 27 |
