The random joke thread

Log in to stop seeing adverts

Status
Not open for further replies.
Why didn't he wish for at least two billion dollars in a bank account in his own country?

I've never understood these people who meet Genies and then put a limit on their wish.

One Ferrari FFS, I'd be asking for the whole range!!!
 
Why didn't he wish for at least two billion dollars in a bank account in his own country?

I've never understood these people who meet Genies and then put a limit on their wish.

One Ferrari FFS, I'd be asking for the whole range!!!

I would forsake all thoughts of selfish indulgence and wish for a decent manager, a decent team and an atmospheric stadium.
 
Two employees and their boss were out for a lunchtime stroll when they found an old lamp. They picked it up & rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"I can grant you 3 wishes" he said - "one each"

The first guy says "I wish I was off at a carribean resort with no credit limit"

Whoosh! he vanished

The second says " I wish I was in a 5* hotel suite with all the finalists from miss world, all gagging for it".

Whoosh! he vanished

So the genie says to the boss "What would you like?" and he replied

"Both of them back at their desks by 2 o'clock"
 
Why didn't he wish for at least two billion dollars in a bank account in his own country?

I've never understood these people who meet Genies and then put a limit on their wish.

One Ferrari FFS, I'd be asking for the whole range!!!

One of my wishes would be to have a wish every day. After wishing myself a big house, millions of pounds, nice women, cars etc I would start ****ing about and wishing things like the Queen to be stunningly good looking, monkeys that could talk, taps in every house to dispense beer, gangster rappers to all be white, rock stars to all be black, Leicester City to be good (ahem), Milan Mandaric to be my Grandad, Forest to play in pink and Russell Brand to die. If it's rubbish I would change it back tomorrow.
 
One of my wishes would be to have a wish every day. After wishing myself a big house, millions of pounds, nice women, cars etc I would start ****ing about and wishing things like the Queen to be stunningly good looking, monkeys that could talk, taps in every house to dispense beer, gangster rappers to all be white, rock stars to all be black, Leicester City to be good (ahem), Milan Mandaric to be my Grandad, Forest to play in pink and Russell Brand to die. If it's rubbish I would change it back tomorrow.

Or just wish for an unlimited amount of wishes.......
 
One of my wishes would be to have a wish every day. After wishing myself a big house, millions of pounds, nice women, cars etc I would start ****ing about and wishing things like the Queen to be stunningly good looking, monkeys that could talk, taps in every house to dispense beer, gangster rappers to all be white, rock stars to all be black, Leicester City to be good (ahem), Milan Mandaric to be my Grandad, Forest to play in pink and Russell Brand to die. If it's rubbish I would change it back tomorrow.

Then they could dictate "Hamlet" instead of typing it.
 
I think we need a yawn icon
 
Dr Barnardos realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through Dr Barnardos?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
 
A man went to his doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an
experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Log in to stop seeing adverts

P Pld Pts
1Manchester C  923
2Liverpool922
3Arsenal918
4Aston Villa918
5Chelsea917
6Brighton916
7Nottm F916
8Tottenham 913
9Brentford913
10Fulham912
11Bournemouth912
12Newcastle912
13West Ham911
14Manchester U911
15Leicester99
16Everton99
17Palace96
18Ipswich94
19Wolves92
20Southampton91

Latest posts

Back
Top