The random joke thread

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An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman, are sitting in a pub saying how stupid their wives are.

The Scotsman said my wife bought a case of whiskey and doesn’t even drink.

The Englishman said his wife bought a new car and she cannot even drive.

The Irishman said that’s nothing, my wife’s going on holiday to Spain on her own and taking a hundred condoms and she hasn’t even got a cock
 
Paddy bumped into Mick and asked "Where did you get such a great bike?". Mick replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." Paddy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
 
A man comes home to find his wife in bed with his mate. Angered by this, he stabs his mate to death. His wife says, "that was ****ing stupid! Carry on like that and you'll have no ****ing mates left!"
 
A man is walking down the road when he sees a frog on the pavement.Has he goes by the frog says 'Kiss me and i will turn into a beautiful woman,we will marry and live happily ever after''..the man ignores it but the frog jumps in front of him and repeats '' kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful woman,we will marry and live happily ever after.The man continues along the road but the frog continues to block his way and says again and again ''kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful woman and we will marry and live happily ever after''.After a while the man gets fed up so he picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.The frog then puts its head out the mans pocket and says ''Why haven't you kissed me,if you do so I will turn into a beautiful woman,we will marry and live happily ever after.To which the man replies ''To be honest I'd rather have the novelty of havinga talking frog ''......
 
a chinese couple have become the 1st of their kind to have an albini baby.

just goes to show 2 wongs can make a white
 
highland fox said:
A man is walking down the road when he sees a frog on the pavement.Has he goes by the frog says 'Kiss me and i will turn into a beautiful woman,we will marry and live happily ever after''..the man ignores it but the frog jumps in front of him and repeats '' kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful woman,we will marry and live happily ever after.The man continues along the road but the frog continues to block his way and says again and again ''kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful woman and we will marry and live happily ever after''.After a while the man gets fed up so he picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.The frog then puts its head out the mans pocket and says ''Why haven't you kissed me,if you do so I will turn into a beautiful woman,we will marry and live happily ever after.To which the man replies ''To be honest I'd rather have the novelty of havinga talking frog ''......
Click to expand...
:icon_lol::038:
 
A blonde goes into the cleaners and drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.
As she's leaving the man behind the counter says "Come again."

The blonde stops and says, "No, it's mustard this time."
 
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A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland stream in Scotland.

The gamekeeper spots him and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo o' coo's shite n pish.'

The man replies, 'my good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English.'

The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'
 
MKFox said:
A blonde goes into the cleaners and drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.
As she's leaving the man behind the counter says "Come again."

The blonde stops and says, "No, it's mustard this time."
Click to expand...



The same blonde goes into the cleaners a week later and drops off a sparkly top this time to be dry cleaned and she's in a hurry so has already turned around and nearly out of the shop when the man behind the counter says "Come here love."

The blonde stops and says, "No, it's coleslaw this time."
 
A man is in bed with his new deaf girlfriend and says to her that they need to invent a way that she can use if she wants sex
He suggests that if he wants sex then he is to stroke her breasts and then in return if she wants it she is to pull his penis once,however if she doesn't want it she is to pull it 125 times...
 
as bad as

On his last day on the job, a postman is greeted by a young housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two pounds.

“Jeez,” says the postman, “this is great, but what’s with the two quid?”

“Well,” she replies, “since you’re retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, ‘**** him—give him a couple of quid.’ Breakfast was my idea.”
 
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell
her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought
she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course,
thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why
she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps
to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:


I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:


This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and
I would like a red bike for my birthday.


Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be
a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.


Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her
mother she wanted to go too church. Carol's mother thought her plan had
worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She
looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the
Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down
the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and
sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:


I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
***************
 
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Hung Lau Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey Boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Lau Chow, I really need you today I short staff already.

When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
makes everything better I feel fantastic and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.

By the way..............

You got nice house.'
 
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