The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
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OldGit
Well-Known Member
A doctor was addressing a group about healthy eating. He went through a long list of foods that can cause harm - all the usual stuff like Red meat, Soft drinks, Saturated fats, sugar, salt and so on.
Then he said "But one food is moret dangerous then any of these and it's pretty certain that every one of you has eaten it at least once. Can anyone tell me which food it is that causes the most problems for years after you eat it?"
An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked, "Wedding Cake?"
Then he said "But one food is moret dangerous then any of these and it's pretty certain that every one of you has eaten it at least once. Can anyone tell me which food it is that causes the most problems for years after you eat it?"
An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked, "Wedding Cake?"
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
:icon_lol:
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room. She heard the train stop and her son
saying, 'All of you sons of b!tches who want off, get
the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And
all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get
your asses in the train...cause we're going down the
tracks.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your train...but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say...
'All passengers, please remember your things, thank
you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon.' She heard her little
darling continue...'For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For
those of you who are p!ssed off about the TWO HOUR
delay, please see the b!tch in the kitchen..'
5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room. She heard the train stop and her son
saying, 'All of you sons of b!tches who want off, get
the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And
all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get
your asses in the train...cause we're going down the
tracks.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your train...but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say...
'All passengers, please remember your things, thank
you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon.' She heard her little
darling continue...'For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For
those of you who are p!ssed off about the TWO HOUR
delay, please see the b!tch in the kitchen..'
londonfox
Well-Known Member
What do walking on a tightrope across Niagra Falls and getting a blowjob from your mother-in law have in common?
In both cases it's advisable not to look down.
A 13 year old girl was visiting Santa's Grotto at Christmas. She got up on Santa’s knee and he asked her what she would like for Christmas. “I’d like what all my friends have Santa, hair just underneath my tummyâ€. Father Christmas said, “Will a grey beard do?â€
In both cases it's advisable not to look down.
A 13 year old girl was visiting Santa's Grotto at Christmas. She got up on Santa’s knee and he asked her what she would like for Christmas. “I’d like what all my friends have Santa, hair just underneath my tummyâ€. Father Christmas said, “Will a grey beard do?â€
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leicester_til_i_die
Member
A man runs into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says everyone has 1 minute to get out. A tortoise at the back shouts "you ****"
leicester_til_i_die
Member
Paddy asks his mate Mick if he wants any fags when he goes on holiday, Mick says "yes cheers mate get me 200 bensons"
2 weeks later Paddy comes back home, sees his mate in the pub. Mick says "how did it ggo and did you remember my fags?" Paddy says " we had a great time and yes you owe me £74.50"
Mick says "£74.50! for ****s sake Paddy where did you go on holiday?"
Paddy says "Skeggy"
2 weeks later Paddy comes back home, sees his mate in the pub. Mick says "how did it ggo and did you remember my fags?" Paddy says " we had a great time and yes you owe me £74.50"
Mick says "£74.50! for ****s sake Paddy where did you go on holiday?"
Paddy says "Skeggy"
City Fan
Well-Known Member
Hector
Well-Known Member
I don't geddit.
Well you see, implicit in his initial offer was that he would be holidaying in some exotic locale where he would be able to purchase cut price duty free ciggies upon his return.
City Fan
Well-Known Member
Oh right. In which case I did get it, it just wasn't funny. :icon_conf
Macky
Gruntled Member
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father isn't too impressed.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ya call? Can ye not understand what you've put yer old Mother through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..."
"Ya what!!? Out of here, y'shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a €5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for you Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside ........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera and..."
"Now what was it ya said you were doing again?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jaysus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought ya said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ya call? Can ye not understand what you've put yer old Mother through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..."
"Ya what!!? Out of here, y'shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a €5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for you Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside ........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera and..."
"Now what was it ya said you were doing again?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jaysus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought ya said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."
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Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
Always makes an appearance on the "Oh bollocks, Melton Fox is in joke telling mood" type of evenings.
Chuck T Masala
New Member
Oldie but still makes me smile.
Dog goes in to the post office and says I want to send a telegram to my friend Buster in New York, how much will it cost?
The Clerk replies that they have an offer on and he can send 11 words for £5 or its 50p per word.
The dog picks up a form and writes; Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
Reading the form the clerk smiles, and says, excuse me but you can have another word for the same price.
The dog frowns and replies - but it won't make any ****ing sense then ****?
Dog goes in to the post office and says I want to send a telegram to my friend Buster in New York, how much will it cost?
The Clerk replies that they have an offer on and he can send 11 words for £5 or its 50p per word.
The dog picks up a form and writes; Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
Reading the form the clerk smiles, and says, excuse me but you can have another word for the same price.
The dog frowns and replies - but it won't make any ****ing sense then ****?
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Doesn't make the joke any better:icon_roll
SJN-Fox
Well-Known Member
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER FOR MY EDUCATION
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I've just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you're not coming shopping with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'Your room looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until you get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I've just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you're not coming shopping with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'Your room looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until you get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'
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