The random joke thread

[fox58]

Husband and wife are lying in bed, he makes a move to initiate sex, she puts him off saying she is going to see the gynaecologist in the morning and doesn’t want to get all messed up. After a short while and still in the mood the husband makes a move again this time asking his wife if she is also going to see the dentist.

 

[OldGit]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and said, "Father,remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.


Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized.
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and
went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

 

[OldGit]

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the comely waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie".

She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please give me your order?"

Again, he says, "I want a quickie".

She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance - what do you want?"

Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced quiche."

 

[OldGit]

Q. What has thick glasses and wet nose?









A. A nearsighted gynaecologist!

 

[MKFox]

Evolution of British Maths Teaching

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

 

[Melton Fox]

:icon_bigg:icon_lol::icon_lol:

 

[City Fan]

That is brilliant MK!!! :icon_lol:

 

[Richie_d123]

Man gets home to find his girlfriend packing her bags.
"I'm leaving, i just found out your a peadophile"
"Ooo" he said. "Thats a big word for a 10 year old"

 

[MKFox]

Liverpool, city of culture, I went there on Friday, popped into a pub and when I came out later my car was propped up on books.

 

[highland fox]

Liverpool, city of culture, I went there on Friday, popped into a pub and when I came out later my car was propped up on books.

Watch Jo Brand last night did you Mk ?:icon_roll Probably cracked one off at the same time

 

[tedfoxxx]

Watch Jo Brand last night did you Mk ?:icon_roll Probably cracked one off at the same time

 

[Motown Fox]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead...'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green,green,green, and I pink it up, and say,'Yellow' , this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

 

[Motown Fox]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly," Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says

......................


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

 

[Jeff]

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

http://www.talkingballs.co.uk/showthread.php?p=577713#post577713

 

[Motown Fox]

I wasn't on the net so much back then until just before Christmas

 

[bocadillo]

I wasn't on the net so much back then until just before Christmas

Don't worry - you have provided a valuable service to forgetful people. I thought it was funny both times!

 

[OldGit]

 

[Biff]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, whats your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! now f*ck off you c*nt!"

 

[fox58]

Moses and Jesus are part
of a Threesome
playing golf one day.
Moses lines up on the tee
and drives a long one.
The ball lands on the fairway,
but rolls directly toward a water trap.
Quickly, Moses raises his club,
the water parts,
and the ball rolls to the other side,
safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee
and hits a nice long one
directly toward the same water trap.
It lands right in the center of the pond
and kind of hovers over the water.
Jesus casually walks out on the water
and chips the ball
right up onto the green.

Then, the third guy gets up
and sort of randomly whacks the ball.
It heads out over the fence
and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree.
From there, it bounces onto the roof
of a shack close by
and rolls down into the gutter,
down the drain spout,
out onto the fairway and straight
toward the fore mentioned pond.

On the way to the pond,
the ball hits a little stone
and bounces out over the water
and onto a lily pad,
where it comes quietly to rest.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog
jumps on the lily pad
and snatches the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swoops down,
grabs the frog and flies away.
As they pass over the green,
the frog squeals with fright
and drops the ball,
which bounces right into the hole
for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers,
"Do you think your Dad would teach me that shot?"

 

[fox58]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates