The random joke thread

[Motown Fox]

Queen Guinevere's Chastity Belt

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed toprotect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
'Merlin, you are a genius!' said the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. 'Sir Galahad,' exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

 

[londonfox]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

 

[Scarby]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

 

[Motown Fox]

Cajun Humor

Thibodeaux: Boudreaux, did you get the parrot I sent you for your birthday?

Boudreaux: Yes, it was good!

Thibodeaux: You ate the bird!

Boudreaux: Of course I ate it.

Thibodeaux: That bird spoke five different languages.

Boudreaux: Then he should have said something.

 

[fox58]

Q: What’s the difference between BSE and PMT?

A: One is mad cow disease while the other has something to do with beef.

 

[four king power]

Watching the Olympic 100m race is a bit like being in Handsworth night club...You hear a gunshot then half a dozen niggers run like ****!!

 

[fcukcov]

Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.



Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.



Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!



The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.



Phil: - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?



Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.



Phil: - Oh! What's that then?



Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?



Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!



Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?



Phil: - It's in a pond!



Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden



Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!



Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden, then you have a large house?



Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!



Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself, and that you are quite probably married?



Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.



Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?



Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!



Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?



Phil: - Me? Never.



Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!



Phil: - How's that then?



Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!



Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!



Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.



Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?



Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!



Eric: - What's that then?



Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?



Eric: - Nope.



Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

 

[fosseboy83]

:icon_lol:

 

[londonfox]

My dad came into my bedroom last night and caught me doing something private.
He said, ’ Don’t do that or you will go blind.’
So I stopped stabbing myself in the eye with a pencil and had a wank.

 

[SJN-Fox]

One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.

Apparently 'my cock' is not an acceptable answer.

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Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big f*cking red mark on her forehead.

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I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's f*cking hilarious....

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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad minton.

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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. His dude replies 'You're so f*cking lucky... Mine is still alive...'

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; 'F*ck off, you won't bring it back.'

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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.

'Crikey mate, that was impressive!'

'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes epileptic'

 

[MKFox]

Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's f*cking hilarious....

:icon_lol:

 

[Scarby]

My dad came into my bedroom last night and caught me doing something private.
He said, ’ Don’t do that or you will go blind.’
So I stopped stabbing myself in the eye with a pencil and had a wank.

 

[Motown Fox]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, You appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?


In fact, I do, said the old man.After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.

After examining his elderly wife,the doctor said, Everything appears to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?


The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

Oh that crazy old fool, she replied. That's because the first time is usually in August .........................................................................


and the second time is in January.

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

2 irishmen are making letter bombs, pat says, 'mick do you think ive put enough explosives in this envelope?', 'dont know' says mick 'open it and see!' 'but it will explode!!' says pat, mick says, 'dont be ****ing stupid its not addressed to you!!!'

 

[highland fox]

Been watching your Jimmy Cricket DVD again YV ?

 

[SJN-Fox]

A chain smoker, a homosexual and an alcoholic go to the doctors.

Doctor says if any of you indulge one more time, you'll die!

On their way home they pass a bar.

The Alcoholic runs in and takes a vodka shot of the bar downs it and falls off the stool stone dead.

The other two keep walking and they come across a ciggie still alight.

The homosexual says to the chain smoker "If you bend down and pick that up we're both dead!"

 

[drummindefender]

The Newcastle 2008 Nativity Play is in danger of being cancelled

They've got 11 Donkeys, 1 Wise Man, and the Messiah has quit.

 

[Motown Fox]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'. 'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'

 

[Motown Fox]

The Newcastle 2008 Nativity Play is in danger of being cancelled

They've got 11 Donkeys, 1 Wise Man, and the Messiah has quit.

And didnt at least one of the Shepherds F*** off a while back as well

 

[SJN-Fox]

Dealing with rude customers..

For all Who Work with Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this! An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.' The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'