The random joke thread

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Billyjof said:
:018: I'm sure I introduced that joke on here and got told it was crap.

I can't be arsed to dig out the link
Click to expand...

Well i'll defo leave it out then.

How about this one;

One day a Rabbi is walking along by the side of a river, when he sees a little dog floundering in the water.

The Rabbi thinks, 'i must save this dog!', so he dives in and throws the little dog over his shoulder, the Rabbi started to swim, taking the dog to the safety of the river bank.

But when the Rabbi puts the dog down, he notices that the poor thing has stopped breathing, so without hesitation the Rabbi starts to give the dog mouth to mouth resusitation. Eventually the little fella jumped back to his paws and started licking the Rabbi's face im appretiation.

Not long after, the breathless owner of the dog came running along the river bank, thanking the Rabbi for his heroics.

The owner asked "Are you a vet?" and the Rabbi replied;

"Vet?! Vet?! Look at me, i'm soaking!"
 
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what have a christmas cracker and newcastle united got in common???



theres a joe kinnear
 
Q: Whats the difference between Gordon Ramsey
and a cross country run?

A: One is a pant in the country, the other is a...
 
My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get
rid of her love handles. I said she would look
****ing stupid without any ears.
 
Nottingham City Council tonight rejected the bid by Nottingham Forest FC to build a new stadium in the city.

A council spokesman said:

"After due deliberation it was decided that although the annual Goose Fair
was acceptable the staging of a circus every 2 weeks would be taking the ****ing piss"
 
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her owncar.

She wrote: Dear kids:

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk ifyou love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that daybecause I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he Hadn't honked, I'dnever have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go!Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck upin the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one lasttime as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

grandma
 
Following the problems in the financial sector in the The States in the UK, and Germany uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
 
Motown Fox said:
Following the problems in the financial sector in the The States in the UK, and Germany uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Click to expand...

I like that. :icon_bigg
 
Motown Fox said:
Following the problems in the financial sector in the The States in the UK, and Germany uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Click to expand...

i hear that even the Bukkake Bank is running low on deposits...
 
MKFox said:
Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

:icon_lol:
Click to expand...

There wasn't many funny ones apart from those. What were these......

QUESTION: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
ANSWER: Invest in an Icelandic bank

Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...

:102:
 
I was impressed with the Chinese trip to the International Space Station.

Mine only deliver within a 3 mile radius.............
 
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and ask me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week and sometimes more.

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.Under those circumstances you can easily succumb to the weakness of the Flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over yet?'
 
A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
She says "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick bastard."
 
A group of infant school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies
to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
 
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