The random joke thread

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Paddy and Mick go on a rollercoaster. Mick says to Paddy

"If we turn upside down do you think we'll fall out?"

Paddy says "Will we **** we've been mates for years"
 
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what" says the 7 year old "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you"

"OK" says the 4 year old.

Mum comes from the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Shit mum I'll have Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He is sent flying out of his chair and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year old and says sternly

"And what do you want for breakfast?"

"I don't know" he blubbers "but it wont be ****ing Coco Pops"
 
A bloke takes his mates back to see his new flat. After a few more beers one of the boys asks him what the big brass gong is for. The host says

"It's my speaking clock"

"How does that work then" a mate asks

"I'll show you" and he hits it full pelt with a club hammer.

A voice next door yells

"For ****s sake you **** it's twenty to three in the morning!!"
 
A priest sees a little boy on top of a cliff crying.

"What's wrong young man?" the priest asks

"My Mummy and Daddy have gone over the edge in our car and I think they're both dead" replies the little boy.

Priest looks around, pulls his cock out and says

"Not your day is it"
 
Guard: "What would you like?"
Harold Shipman: "A nice whiskey would be great"
Guard: "What would you like?"
Myra Hindley: "I'd love some red wine"
Guard: "What would you like?"
Fred West: "I could murder some Tennants"
 
Biff said:
Guard: "What would you like?"
Harold Shipman: "A nice whiskey would be great"
Guard: "What would you like?"
Myra Hindley: "I'd love some red wine"
Guard: "What would you like?"
Fred West: "I could murder some Tennants"
Click to expand...

:icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg
 
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'F*** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!'


Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look
horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'


Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or
my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'


An elderly couple are attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I
just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
 
Some Tommy Cooper classics......


Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me
a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

---------------------------------------- -----------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several
places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I got some HP sauce yesterday.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
------ ---------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and t housands.

Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
 
Probably been posted before, but one of my favourite jokes

****************************

One evening in a french restaurant the chef Gervais is cooking up a seafood platter and breaks out the squid. When he goes to drop it in the pan he notices it is tinted green and is sporting a brilliant moustache. Dropping it like a girl he runs screaming to the other side of the kitchen where he dives behind Hans, the dishwasher. Stammering his words out he explains that the squid, tinted green, sporting a lucious lip fuzz is lying prone on the floor. Tutting his disproval Hans walks over to pick it up, but as soon as he sees it he runs screaming and cowers in a cupboard.

The moral of the story...





Hans that does dishes is soft as Gervais, with mildly green, hairy lip squid
 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'
 
Mother knows everything

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
 
Scottish Logic

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".


'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'



Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'



She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.



The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'It's Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
 
> Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy..'
>
> Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'
>
> Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?'
>
> Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'
>
> Nelson (reading aloud): 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?'
>
> Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
> employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, least it be considered racist.'
>
> Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'
>
> Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.'
>
> Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle..'
>
> Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
> Government's policy on binge drinking.'
>
> Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with
> it.......... full speed ahead..'
>
> Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
> stretch of water.'
>
> Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.'
>
> Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'
>
> Nelson: 'What?'
>
> Hardy: 'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'
>
> Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'
>
> Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.'
>
> Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'
>
> Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'
>
> Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'
>
> Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'
>
> Nelson: 'Whatever next? Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'
>
> Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
> They're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'
>
> Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'
>
> Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'
>
> Nelson: 'We're not?'
>
> Hardy: 'No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
> According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'
>
> Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'
>
> Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report.'
>
> Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.'
>
> Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life.'
>
> Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'
>
> Hardy: 'As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
> corporal punishment.'
>
> Nelson: 'What about sodomy?'
>
> Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.'
>
> Nelson: 'In that case................................ kiss me, Hardy.'
>
 
At a recent England football training camp, Rooney collects the ball. he dribbles around Wright-Phillips, Ferdinand, Richards, Walcott and finally Heskey

Capello, looking increasingly annoyed, shouts "around the ****ing CONES wayne the ****ing CONES"
 
drummindefender said:
At a recent England football training camp, Rooney collects the ball. he dribbles around Wright-Phillips, Ferdinand, Richards, Walcott and finally Heskey

Capello, looking increasingly annoyed, shouts "around the ****ing CONES wayne the ****ing CONES"
Click to expand...

Taxi for DD...... :icon_lol:
 
This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of
time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you
now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you
last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.' She just
giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'. 'Yeah.' I
said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a receding hairline, total lack of
muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying tubby,
gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would
still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to **** off.
 
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude Man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other Across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being So patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've Wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go Running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of Breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen Minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its Head.'
 
beighton155 said:
Probably been posted before, but one of my favourite jokes

****************************

One evening in a french restaurant the chef Gervais is cooking up a seafood platter and breaks out the squid. When he goes to drop it in the pan he notices it is tinted green and is sporting a brilliant moustache. Dropping it like a girl he runs screaming to the other side of the kitchen where he dives behind Hans, the dishwasher. Stammering his words out he explains that the squid, tinted green, sporting a lucious lip fuzz is lying prone on the floor. Tutting his disproval Hans walks over to pick it up, but as soon as he sees it he runs screaming and cowers in a cupboard.

The moral of the story...





Hans that does dishes is soft as Gervais, with mildly green, hairy lip squid
Click to expand...

This has got to be one of the worst jokes ever! :icon_lol::icon_lol:
 
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