The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,
'Had him circumcised...'
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,
'Had him circumcised...'
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Last edited:
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
THis is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
MKFox
New Member
A young lady had been taking golf lessons. She had just started her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her coming into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early?What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee" she said
"Where?" the pro asked
"Between the first and second hole" she replied
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide"
Her golf pro saw her coming into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early?What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee" she said
"Where?" the pro asked
"Between the first and second hole" she replied
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide"
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
:icon_roll:icon_lol:
The Major
Active Member
A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened.
He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'.
She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'.
She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.
He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'.
She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'.
She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Darth Vodka
Well-Known Member
what's the difference between jam and marmalade?
you can't marmalade your cock up a girl's arse
you can't marmalade your cock up a girl's arse
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .....................................
'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming......................
...that was me.'
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .....................................
'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming......................
...that was me.'
Last edited:
camberwell fox
Well-Known Member
There's this long distance lorry driver who's having back problems. He goes to see his boss to see if he can drive a smaller vehicle.
His boss tells him it's his lucky day as he's just bought a brand new Mercedes sprinter van for deliveries to London.
The driver enquires as to where a van driver sleeps in the van as it doesn't have a cab like his old artic. His boss replies that there is a fold down bed in the back that's just fine.
The driver sets out on his first journey from Stockport to London and along the way stops at tsome services on the M1 to grab a coffee. As he is leaving the services a attractive blond is hitch hiking.
He decides to offer the lady a lift. She climbs in and explains she is on her way to London, no problem for the lift therefore.
As the driver is getting close to dropping her off she enquires as to where a long distance driver sleeps when he only has a van. He tells her in the back and would she like to see?
She says yes and gets in the back, he goes around too join her. At this point she informs him that she is a prostitute and as a thank you for the lift he can have free sex with her.
He drops his pants and is just about to hop on when she informs him that he needs to whip her with something long and thin to get her in the mood.
The driver thinks quickly and snaps off the aerial. Whips her, has sex and drops her off.
Next day, he wakes up with a terrible rash on his meat and two vedge. In a panic he rings his doctor to make an appointment to see him.
Next day he arrives at the surgery and goes in to see Dr Patel. The doctor asks him to drop his pants to see the problem.
On closer inspection the doctor diagnoses:
The worst case of van aerial disease he has ever seen.
His boss tells him it's his lucky day as he's just bought a brand new Mercedes sprinter van for deliveries to London.
The driver enquires as to where a van driver sleeps in the van as it doesn't have a cab like his old artic. His boss replies that there is a fold down bed in the back that's just fine.
The driver sets out on his first journey from Stockport to London and along the way stops at tsome services on the M1 to grab a coffee. As he is leaving the services a attractive blond is hitch hiking.
He decides to offer the lady a lift. She climbs in and explains she is on her way to London, no problem for the lift therefore.
As the driver is getting close to dropping her off she enquires as to where a long distance driver sleeps when he only has a van. He tells her in the back and would she like to see?
She says yes and gets in the back, he goes around too join her. At this point she informs him that she is a prostitute and as a thank you for the lift he can have free sex with her.
He drops his pants and is just about to hop on when she informs him that he needs to whip her with something long and thin to get her in the mood.
The driver thinks quickly and snaps off the aerial. Whips her, has sex and drops her off.
Next day, he wakes up with a terrible rash on his meat and two vedge. In a panic he rings his doctor to make an appointment to see him.
Next day he arrives at the surgery and goes in to see Dr Patel. The doctor asks him to drop his pants to see the problem.
On closer inspection the doctor diagnoses:
The worst case of van aerial disease he has ever seen.
fcukcov
Active Member
David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete
command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a short time David
becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only
saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse’s neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops
along David’s head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for
help!!!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a short time David
becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only
saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse’s neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops
along David’s head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for
help!!!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Eventually, Archangel Michael found God on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God,
'Where have you been?' God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,
'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.' God continued, pointing to the different countries.' This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked,
'What's that?'
'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!' God replied very wisely,
'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!'
This, as you can guess,came to me from someone who was born up north!!
'Where have you been?' God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,
'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.' God continued, pointing to the different countries.' This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked,
'What's that?'
'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!' God replied very wisely,
'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!'
This, as you can guess,came to me from someone who was born up north!!
Last edited:
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..................................
'I would have been released today.'
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..................................
'I would have been released today.'
highland fox
New Member
I rang the council earlier to ask if I can have a skip outside my house.The bloke said I could do cart wheels around the block for all he ****ing cared.
From Gradel to Grave
Active Member
I would point out that posting jokes about skipping are not going to dampen any of the gay rumours. However, as it's our birthday, I'll refrain. :icon_wink
MKFox
New Member
Lovely stuff, going down a storm!
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Manchester C | 9 | 23 |
| 2 | Liverpool | 9 | 22 |
| 3 | Arsenal | 9 | 18 |
| 4 | Aston Villa | 9 | 18 |
| 5 | Chelsea | 9 | 17 |
| 6 | Brighton | 9 | 16 |
| 7 | Nottm F | 9 | 16 |
| 8 | Tottenham | 9 | 13 |
| 9 | Brentford | 9 | 13 |
| 10 | Fulham | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Bournemouth | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Newcastle | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | West Ham | 9 | 11 |
| 14 | Manchester U | 9 | 11 |
| 15 | Leicester | 9 | 9 |
| 16 | Everton | 9 | 9 |
| 17 | Palace | 9 | 6 |
| 18 | Ipswich | 9 | 4 |
| 19 | Wolves | 9 | 2 |
| 20 | Southampton | 9 | 1 |
