The random joke thread

[Orifice]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing
in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family, I haven't finished bullin yet. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was
the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!


The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...


"Dave, wake up you drunken bast4rd, you've sh!t the bed.

 

[SJN-Fox]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

 

[fosseboy83]

Tactful Use Of Words Of The Day
'Terrorists will always target London Underground, the network's boss said yesterday, but the method of using suicide bombers will "burn itself out" because it is not "sustainable"' - As reported by The Metro.

courtesy of football365

 

[Motown Fox]

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day. Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3'

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say?'

Parvinder shows Habib his sign....

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.'

 

[Motown Fox]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

 

[spionfox]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I ****ing didn't."

 

[Hector]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I ****ing didn't."

His sonar malfunctioned?

 

[spionfox]

His sonar malfunctioned?

Always nice when people take things literally :icon_bigg

 

[Motown Fox]

Lawyer & The Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

 

[SJN-Fox]

How Many Forum Members Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb

1 to change the light bulb and 1 to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy"

27 to report it to the Mods

4 to report it to the admins as they don't trust the mods to deal with things fairly and then they post that they have told the admins

5 to post thanks for the reporting

10 to give negative rep to those reporting

2 to scream about freedom of speech

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

3 suppliers to out quote each other on prices for light bulbs

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 WoW spambot to tell you how you can make gold from changing your light bulb

10 to report a spambot

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again

and one Linux user to say don't change the lightbulb, welcome to the
darkside ... but his name is Geoff so we know it is the correct answer

 

[City Fan]

Newts to copy and paste a 5 year old article about lightbulbs....... :icon_lol:

 

[SJN-Fox]

Newts to copy and paste a 5 year old article about lightbulbs....... :icon_lol:

I was just thinking along very similar lines

Melts to post that he doesn't give a fcuk as all lightbulbs are cnuts anyway

 

[MKFox]

joe to post asking for advice on how to change the fecking thing

 

[fcukcov]

16 posts along the lines of HF feeling up the guys arse whilst he is changing the lightbulb.

 

[RHYDAL]

Dont forget the dozen or so Homers amending quotes in that oh so quaint way. tick tock

 

[RHYDAL]

And the half a dozen Rhydals from the flourecent tube forum telling you how much bigger and better our product is.

 

[Matt_B]

And the half a dozen Rhydals from the flourecent tube forum telling you how much bigger and better our product is.

But still Welsh so inherantly worse, no matter how hard it tries.

 

[RHYDAL]

But still Welsh so inherantly worse, no matter how hard it tries.

And thirty or so mongies who think tungsten is the way forward despite low energy bulbs being cheaper to run and lasting longer, and who dream of a return to the glory days of gaslight.

 

[drummindefender]

Whats Mr T's Favourite Yoghurt?


A petit filous!

 

[The Major]

Max Clifford has just reported that Jade Goody is feeling a little bit better today than she usually does.

She just got a tenner for her hairdryer on Ebay.