The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
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Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
The following script was originally shown on BBC TV, back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger. The irony is that the BBC received not one complaint.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Shoh it!” said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who's fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince.
“Blame that fugly ucker over there!” said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Shoh it!” said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who's fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince.
“Blame that fugly ucker over there!” said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
FIF
Well-Known Member
fox58
Well-Known Member
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you madam, one of my officers told me you didn' t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you madam, one of my officers told me you didn' t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
This morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Holden Calais
Doing 70 miles per hr
With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver,
Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car
Using my knees against The steering wheel,
It knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee
Between my legs, Splashed,
And burned Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the darn phone, Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an Important call.
bloody women drivers!!
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Holden Calais
Doing 70 miles per hr
With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver,
Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car
Using my knees against The steering wheel,
It knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee
Between my legs, Splashed,
And burned Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the darn phone, Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an Important call.
bloody women drivers!!
spionfox
Well-Known Member
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into
the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything
right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank
Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his ****in
widow.'
the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything
right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank
Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his ****in
widow.'
RHYDAL
Well-Known Member
Probably thrown off by the spelling. :icon_wink
bocadillo
Water Gypsy
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - silence - -
HUSBAND: F * ck....
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - silence - -
HUSBAND: F * ck....
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
what do you get if you eat a christmas bauble?
tinselitis
ho ho
tinselitis
ho ho
MKFox
New Member
They did that gag at my 9 year old's nativity play last night....
lazzer
Moderator
City Fan
Well-Known Member
Bet it wasn't funny then either....
alex
Well-Known Member
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in..
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in..
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
- Status
Championship
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Leicester | 46 | 97 |
| 2 | Ipswich | 46 | 96 |
| 3 | Leeds Utd | 46 | 90 |
| 4 | Southampton | 46 | 87 |
| 5 | West Brom | 46 | 75 |
| 6 | Norwich City | 46 | 73 |
| 7 | Hull City | 46 | 70 |
| 8 | Middlesbro | 46 | 69 |
| 9 | Coventry City | 46 | 64 |
| 10 | Preston | 46 | 63 |
| 11 | Bristol City | 46 | 62 |
| 12 | Cardiff City | 46 | 62 |
| 13 | Millwall | 46 | 59 |
| 14 | Swansea City | 46 | 57 |
| 15 | Watford | 46 | 56 |
| 16 | Sunderland | 46 | 56 |
| 17 | Stoke City | 46 | 56 |
| 18 | QPR | 46 | 56 |
| 19 | Blackburn | 46 | 53 |
| 20 | Sheffield W | 46 | 53 |
| 21 | Plymouth | 46 | 51 |
| 22 | Birmingham | 46 | 50 |
| 23 | Huddersfield | 46 | 45 |
| 24 | Rotherham Utd | 46 | 27 |
