MKFox
New Member
:icon_bigg
The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
alex
Well-Known Member
Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
>
> The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
>
> 'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
>
> 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
>
> Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
>
> 'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?'
>
> The assistant said: 'Well, no.'
>
> Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.
>
> 'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'
>
> 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
>
> 'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.
>
> So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'
>
> The assistant replied: 'Because you're in f***ing Homebase'
>
> The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
>
> 'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
>
> 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
>
> Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
>
> 'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?'
>
> The assistant said: 'Well, no.'
>
> Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.
>
> 'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'
>
> 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
>
> 'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.
>
> So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'
>
> The assistant replied: 'Because you're in f***ing Homebase'
londonfox
Well-Known Member
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.
londonfox
Well-Known Member
It was Friday evening in Liverpool, and having just received their Dole cheque, Gaz and Baz were trying to decide where to go that night.
"I know," said Baz, "There's a great club in town we ought to try."
"What's it like?" asks Gaz.
"Well, you go into the club up to the bar where they give you a free drink. Then you go upstairs for a shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink. After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another shag. After this, you go to the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and have another shag! After this you go downstairs, have a final drink and leave. On the way out they give you a hundred quid and you go home."
"Wow!" said Gaz, "That sounds great. Have you been before?"
"No," said Baz, "but my sister has."
"I know," said Baz, "There's a great club in town we ought to try."
"What's it like?" asks Gaz.
"Well, you go into the club up to the bar where they give you a free drink. Then you go upstairs for a shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink. After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another shag. After this, you go to the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and have another shag! After this you go downstairs, have a final drink and leave. On the way out they give you a hundred quid and you go home."
"Wow!" said Gaz, "That sounds great. Have you been before?"
"No," said Baz, "but my sister has."
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
apparently amir khan is a fan of nicholas cage. his favourite film is gone in 60 seconds
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
paddy phones for an ambulance as his mate has been hit by a car, operator asks where the accident is, paddy says outside number 28 eucalyptus road, he is asked how that is spelt, the line goes quiet for 5 minutes and the operator is getting worried, then paddy says 'sorry about that ive just dragged him to number 3 oak street'
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
gary glitter bought 100 cases of glenfiddich scotch whisky today - because the salesman told him 'its a cheeky little 12yr old that goes down well'
newtonfox
Active Member
:icon_lol:
MKFox
New Member
An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!"
everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!"
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Black Testicles ..
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
FIF
Well-Known Member
FIF
Well-Known Member
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me’
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
..
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen…now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me’
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
..
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen…now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
tedfoxxx
Well-Known Member
Probably, i might leave that one out of my stand up routine.
Billyjof
Well-Known Member
I'm sure I introduced that joke on here and got told it was crap.I can't be arsed to dig out the link
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| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Manchester C | 9 | 23 |
| 2 | Liverpool | 9 | 22 |
| 3 | Arsenal | 9 | 18 |
| 4 | Aston Villa | 9 | 18 |
| 5 | Chelsea | 9 | 17 |
| 6 | Brighton | 9 | 16 |
| 7 | Nottm F | 9 | 16 |
| 8 | Tottenham | 9 | 13 |
| 9 | Brentford | 9 | 13 |
| 10 | Fulham | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Bournemouth | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Newcastle | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | West Ham | 9 | 11 |
| 14 | Manchester U | 9 | 11 |
| 15 | Leicester | 9 | 9 |
| 16 | Everton | 9 | 9 |
| 17 | Palace | 9 | 6 |
| 18 | Ipswich | 9 | 4 |
| 19 | Wolves | 9 | 2 |
| 20 | Southampton | 9 | 1 |
