The random joke thread

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Mike Hunt walks into a bar and sees Melton sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Melts, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either sex or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Melton sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says,
"What are you happy about today Melts?"

"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either sex or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Melton down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Melts, what are you so sad for?"


"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either sex or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
 
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby
to put his name on his mailbox.



While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes, wearing a robe.



The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.



As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.



After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming."



He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.



Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"



Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."



Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.



How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"



Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me."
 
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.

The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" the man asked again.

The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

" So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.

"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. "Some things you just can't explain."
 
A man and his son were walking down a street. The son tripped and his father smacked him on the head and shouted "Come on fat head, you're holding me up!"

A man walking the opposite direction politely told him that he shouldn't talk to his son that way. The boys father looked at him and said. "Mr., there are only 3 things in life a man needs. Number one is a nice car. See that car parked down the street? That's my car, the nicest car on the whole damn street. Number two is a nice house. See that house way down there? That's my house, the nicest house on the whole damn street. Number three is a wife with a tight pussy.....Well I had that 'till fat head here came along!"
 
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for & your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.


Then, finally, she says "You".
 
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Phew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 
what do you call an irish man in your back garden?

paddy o'furniture





(sorry)
 
I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put it down.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on and on .

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there!

I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue ?" I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where's he then ?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
 
Little Johnny walked into school thirty minutes late.


"Sorry I'm late, teacher," he said, "but I didn't get my f**king breakfast."


"Johnny, we don't use language like that in school!" said his teacher. "Go stand in the corner!"


She then continued the geography lesson.


"Who can tell me where the Scottish border is?" she asked.


No hand went up except Little Johnny's.


The teacher ignored him and asked again.


Still no takers, so she reluctantly called on Little Johnny.


"He's in bed with my Mother," he replied, "and that's why I didn't get any f**king breakfast!"
 
Mark DeVries will be a good player for LCFC this season! :081: :081:
 
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"


























The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees".
 
SON: Mummy, why do I have the biggest cock in school?

MUMMY: Because you're a 37 year-old retard.
 
A surgeon went to check on his sexy blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
 
fcukcov said:
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"


























The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees".
Click to expand...


the version i tell involves cleaning cages and knocking perchs of the finches, trees of chimps and knocking the hive of bees with a lawn mower
 
How do you kill a circus?































Go for the juggler.....
 
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