The random joke thread

[SJN-Fox]

Blonde Food Diary

Monday
It's fun to cook for Jim. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday
Jim wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Jim brought a friend home for supper

Wednesday
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday
Today Jim asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Jim asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday
Jim did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Jim keeps counting to ten.

Sunday
Jim's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Jim. If I can talk Jim into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

myra hindley and a young boy are walking through a forest and the young lad turns to her and says 'this place is scary' myra hindley replies 'its ok for you ill be walking back on my own'

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

just popped home and caught the plumber with his dick in the dog!! cant believe the police wont do anything about it!! they said he was corgi registered

 

[Matt_B]

Isn't Corgi gas?

 

[Beliall]

Isn't Corgi gas?

that is so anal of you!!:icon_bigg

 

[fcukcov]

Isn't Corgi gas?

Yes, but it would most probably be a plumber that would be corgi registered as most plumbers do the gas work, i.e. heating and boiler works as well!

 

[White Peak Fox]

What key opens every door? A pikey...

 

[Beliall]

what do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?


sister-matic

 

[Chuck T Masala]

Probably been done before somewhere in this thread but..........

What's the difference between Fanny Craddock and a long distance run through the fields?

One is a pant in the country.

What's the difference between a sausage dog and a market trader?

One bawls out its wars on the streets!

I'll get me fleece.

 

[fcukcov]

Probably been done before somewhere in this thread but..........

What's the difference between Fanny Craddock and a long distance run through the fields?

One is a pant in the country.

What's the difference between a sausage dog and a market trader?

One bawls out its wars on the streets!

I'll get me fleece.

I think that should be wears!:icon_wink

 

[From Gradel to Grave]

I think that should be wears!:icon_wink

I'm sure there must be a more contemporary reference for a cooking woman than Fanny Cradock!

 

[Jeff]

I think that should be wears!:icon_wink

wares

 

[OldGit]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants"

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 100,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

 

[White Peak Fox]

Sean Connery and Roger Moore meet up at the 007 reunion night.

Connery turns to Moore and says: 'Have you heard the news, the actress who played Pussy Galore has split her fanny open?!'

Moore replies: 'What?! Honor Blackman??'

Connery says: 'No, on a dildo!'

 

[MKFox]

Sean Connery and Roger Moore meet up at the 007 reunion night.

:icon_bigg

 

[White Peak Fox]

Glad you liked that one MKFox! You can't beat a well constructed pun...

 

[Chuck T Masala]

wares

Correct, fingers and brain out of synch. Thank you Webbo.

 

[Chuck T Masala]

I'm sure there must be a more contemporary reference for a cooking woman than Fanny Cradock!

But I like Fanny, I was brought up on Fanny and I think Fanny deserves more recogintion. In fact, I would like to see a (another) Fanny in Downing Street, or even a fanny at the helm at the Walkers.

The world needs more Fanny's :icon_wink:icon_razz

 

[spionfox]

But I like Fanny, I was brought up on Fanny and I think Fanny deserves more recogintion. In fact, I would like to see a (another) Fanny in Downing Street, or even a fanny at the helm at the Walkers.

The world needs more Fanny's :icon_wink:icon_razz

Only if there's a Johnny to go with them.

 

[RHYDAL]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."