The random joke thread

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When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than a big shit .'
 
A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar .

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'

The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

'What do you mean he knows everything?’ asks the scouser.

'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything'

'Yeah right' says the scouser.

'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer'

'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

'Where am I from ?'

'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right.

‘Alright’ says the scouser, ‘that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.

'Yes and who did they play?'

'Leeds United' again without blinking

'And the score?'

'2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.

'Pretty good,but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect .

He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man.

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia.

The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner..

'How'.

The memory man squints at the scouser.

'Flying header in the six yard box.'

reminds me of when Liverpool played Chelsea away and two scousers accidently wondered into a gay bar in Soho...

a local bloke comes up to one scouser and says *camp voice* "oooh, you want a blow job?"

the scouser screams "aaaaaaaaaaah" at the top of his voice, punches the bloke, drops him to the floor, kicks his head until there's blood everywhere

the other scouser says to him "eh, what did dat bloke say, laa?"

"i dunno, something about a job"


:102:
 
Bloke rings his gaffer and says "I won't be into work today boss 'cos I'm sick!"
The boss replies "How sick are you?"
The chap responds "Well I'm in bed with my disabled sister!"
 
Iron Man is a superhero.

Iron Woman is a command.

reminds me of:-

what does WIFE stand for?

washing, ironing, ****ing, etc
 
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If anyone's planning a trip to Cumbria, get the bus.



It's murder trying to get a taxi
 
A woman journalist was visiting Afghanistan and saw some women in the full cover-up gear, walking along a couple of yards behind their husbands.

She began to explain to them about freedom of chice and so on, explaining that they could choose how to dress and, as equals, should be able to walk side by side with their husbands.

A few days later she saw them again, now wearing more modern clothes, but still walking a couple of yards behind their husbands. "Well done" she said "I see you have exercised your right to choice in your clothes, but why have you not execised your choice about where to walk?"

"We have" said one of them.

The journalist looked puzzled and said "Well why do you choose to walk behind ?"

"Landmines" came the reply
 
Heskey's has been replaced in the England squad by a cumbrian taxi driver.




Apparently he's had more shots on target in 1 day than Heskey's had all season!
 
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It would appear Duran Duran have re-released an old classic for the upcoming world cup...................... His name is Rio and he watches from the stand
 
A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong, leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his arse.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.
 
A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong, leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his arse.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

why the long face?

:)
 
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