The random joke thread

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Pulled a bird at a club, turns out to be a Geordie. Went back to my flat where I was ramming her stupid up against my Jermaine Beckford poster and then when I came, out of politeness I pulled out and shouted "Shearer!" running round the room with my hand in the air doing the Alan Shearer celebration. LAD
 
A teacher asks a redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome."

(Kinda brings a tear to ya eye!!!)
 
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so
we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from high up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where
to spend eternity.'

'Really; I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all
his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises....

The elevator goes up, and the door reopens on heaven, where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never
have said it before; I mean, heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I
don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,
and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable.


What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning...... ...........





Today you voted.'
 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
 
A German dwarf came 2 London and whilst there went 2 a prostitute. She thought he'll never manage & should b easy money just b4 he started he put a big spring on each elbow and knee and shagged her for 4hrs non stop she said breathlessly how do you manage that? He said it's my foursprung dwarftechnique
 
I hate double standards. Like if a girl goes out and sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a "slut".
Yet if a guy does it...he's considered a "homosexual".
 
My missus told me the shittest joke I've ever heard earlier. "What's the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women."
She laughed hysterically until I punched her in the balls.
 
FryattFox said:
My missus told me the shittest joke I've ever heard earlier. "What's the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women."
She laughed hysterically until I punched her in the balls.
Click to expand...
Hah. Good.
 
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