The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
fosseboy83
Active Member
bloody geeks:icon_lol:
Darth Vodka
Well-Known Member
drummindefender
Active Member
No need to give them stick....
I knew you'd chip in.
fosseboy83
Active Member
But everyone DOS it...
SwedeFox
Well-Known Member
:icon_bigg
Doggie_muz
Member
Someone should screen these gags before they get posted.
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
and did you have a bite on the way?
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights.
You may choose exactly one item from a particular floor, or you may
choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:
"Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs."
The second floor sign reads:
"Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."
The third floor sign reads:
"Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous."
"Wow," she thinks. But she feels compelled to keep going. She goes
to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous
and Help With Housework."
"Oh,my God!" she exclaims, "Amazing I can hardly stand it!"
Nonetheless,she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store."
To avoid gender bias accusations, the store's owner also opens a
New Wives' store just across the street..........
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights.
You may choose exactly one item from a particular floor, or you may
choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:
"Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs."
The second floor sign reads:
"Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."
The third floor sign reads:
"Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous."
"Wow," she thinks. But she feels compelled to keep going. She goes
to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous
and Help With Housework."
"Oh,my God!" she exclaims, "Amazing I can hardly stand it!"
Nonetheless,she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store."
To avoid gender bias accusations, the store's owner also opens a
New Wives' store just across the street..........
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
So I can not be accused of being sexist>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
"I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and always will; I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill; "And if you don't change your f***ing attitude, you never will"
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
"I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and always will; I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill; "And if you don't change your f***ing attitude, you never will"
Last edited:
I didn't realise they were still going, I thought they'd folded.
drummindefender
Active Member
drummindefender
Active Member
"My friend was having anal sex with his girlfriend (at the time) in her parent's living room, on their brand new white leather sofa. Mid way through the pumping he heard her parents pull onto the gravel drive. Pulled out too quick. she shat herself all over the sofa. quickly got dressed before the parents had unpacked the car and walked in. when asked what the hell had happened to the sofa, he claimed the dog had done it. parents thought the dog was incontinent and had it put down. LAD "
:icon_lol:
:icon_lol:
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and requently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, BUT consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and requently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, BUT consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Last edited:
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Liverpool | 11 | 28 |
| 2 | Manchester C | 11 | 23 |
| 3 | Chelsea | 11 | 19 |
| 4 | Arsenal | 11 | 19 |
| 5 | Nottm F | 11 | 19 |
| 6 | Brighton | 11 | 19 |
| 7 | Fulham | 11 | 18 |
| 8 | Newcastle | 11 | 18 |
| 9 | Aston Villa | 11 | 18 |
| 10 | Tottenham | 11 | 16 |
| 11 | Brentford | 11 | 16 |
| 12 | Bournemouth | 11 | 15 |
| 13 | Manchester U | 11 | 15 |
| 14 | West Ham | 11 | 12 |
| 15 | Leicester | 11 | 10 |
| 16 | Everton | 11 | 10 |
| 17 | Ipswich | 11 | 8 |
| 18 | Palace | 11 | 7 |
| 19 | Wolves | 11 | 6 |
| 20 | Southampton | 11 | 4 |
