The random joke thread

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I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your will power'
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> A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror?' 'No' she said 'but I'd suck your dick for a lawn mower'.
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> Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday..
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> A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatty, you'll lose it eventually '
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> Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
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> Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'
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> I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
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> Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
 
A SENIOR MOMENT - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client



Addendum from The Editor:



IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman.


DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!
 
An Irish rugby fan is drinking in an English bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. Sean hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife Coleen has just given birth back home in Salthill, Co Galway to a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but our hero just shrugs and replies, “Dat ' s about average in Oireland... like Oi said; me boy ' s one of ya typical Oirish baby boys. E’s gonna be a rugby player wen e gets older. Probably in de front row.”
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of ' WOW! ' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, Sean returns to the bar. The barman says, “Say Paddy, aren ' t you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? The chums here have been making bets about how big he ' d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Twenty pounds about now.”
The barman is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. “What the devil has happened?”
He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born! '
Sean takes a slow swig of his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the barman and proudly says, “We ad im circumcised.”
 
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling..'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you.'
 
So snow is forecast and Man Utd are flying back from Munich , Carlsberg dont do deja vu's but if they did.......
 
the wife went into Arsenal's gift shop last week and bought a bra

plenty of support, but no cups

(see also: Man City, Newcastle etc etc)
 
I met this girl in the pub last night and found we had several interests in common. Like 'My Chemical Romance'. Or Rohypnol, as some might call it.
 
What's the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The Icelandic volcano is still blowing Ash.
 
Simon Weston was recently on Celebrity Masterchef where he displayed his culinary skills and reached the final. Unfortunately he lost out at the last stage and came second. He would have won but he burnt his chops.
 
Singth said:
Simon Weston was recently on Celebrity Masterchef where he displayed his culinary skills and reached the final. Unfortunately he lost out at the last stage and came second. He would have won but he burnt his chops.
Click to expand...

Not funny in the slightest.
That man was disfigured whilst fighting for this country. Take a BIG **** off pill from the HTB houshold for that.:098:
 
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