The random joke thread

[The Major]

I went to a bulimia party last night.




The place was heaving.

 

[manxfox]

I was given a keyring which I was told if I placed it near my genitals it would make me sexually aroused. I just got the impression I was being fobbed off.

 

[Blue Maniac]

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Chair.
Chair who?
Chair-io! I'm off to buy a chair!

:icon_lol: **** off, that's shit.

 

[Darth Vodka]

Aparently the people in Saudi Arabia dont get the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do

 

[Motown Fox]

Paddy said to Mick - hey Mick I'm looking to get myself a dog and like the look of those there Labradors, what you reckon?

Oh no Paddy dont do that- have you not seen how many owners of those go blind?

 

[The Major]

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’

He said 'How flexible are you?’


I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.”

 

[LCFC'sGodWears9]

A bloke just offered me £600 a week working for the brittle bones association,
I snapped his hand off....

 

[alex]

‎- I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle. Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?". A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him. What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.

 

[MKFox]

‎- I walked into the public toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.

Old habits die hard, eh mate?

 

[alex]

Old habits die hard, eh mate?

Hahahaha....






Cuddle?

 

[MKFox]

dirty bristow cuddle?

 

[alex]

dirty bristow cuddle?

More like a Bath.

 

[manxfox]

I used to love Bo Selecta.

But I think his latest Michael Jackson prank in Libya is taking it slightly too far.

 

[Profondo Rosso]

:icon_lol: **** off, that's shit.

:icon_lol: I know.

 

[Profondo Rosso]

Bloody car..... The gear box is knackered and I can only get reverse............... Still, it gets me from B to A.

 

[Profondo Rosso]

Just went to HMV and got Prince's greatest hits. Was a bit annoyed it cost £23.00. But i took it home and partied like it was £19.99.

 

[Cate Fox]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van
Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... You will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, that you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be
able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...


Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make
it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left
your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I
had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so
I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing
my name. So, the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

 

[RHYDAL]

Boo, geroff.

 

[Cate Fox]

Boo, geroff.

I thank you :icon_cool

 

[Blue Maniac]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van
Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... You will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, that you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be
able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...


Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make
it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left
your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I
had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so
I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing
my name. So, the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Ffs. Another ten seconds I won't get back.