The random joke thread

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As 150 mph winds batter Australia I guess there's never been a better time to tie your kangaroo down sport.
 
last night I ended up in bed with a blind girl.

"Wow" she said "that's the biggest dick I've ever laid hands on".

I replied "You must be pulling my leg"
 
Two Hinckley couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex one Hinckley bloke says "I wonder how the girls are getting on?"
 
Though I should treat the Mrs for Valentine's day, so I've booked us a table in the West End.

Problem is I don't think she's that fond of snooker
 
What do you call a rodent with nine legs?

Anonymouse


Wahay!
 
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now'
 
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.

When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!"

"Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.

"Because the pub called an' said ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
 
i was asked to contribute to the civil unrest in Egypt, but it looks like a pyramid scheme to me




(blatently stolen from lamebook.com)
 
Boy of sixteen comes home grinning and tells his parents he's just had sex for the first time. His proud dad says "I'll buy you that mountain bike to celebrate- have to be next pay day though." Boy smiles and says "that's OK dad- my arse is too sore to ride it yet anyway.......
 
A termite walks into a bars and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
 
MHS said:
Boy of sixteen comes home grinning and tells his parents he's just had sex for the first time. His proud dad says "I'll buy you that mountain bike to celebrate- have to be next pay day though." Boy smiles and says "that's OK dad- my arse is too sore to ride it yet anyway.......
Click to expand...

:icon_lol:
 
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Chair.
Chair who?
Chair-io! I'm off to buy a chair!
 
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