The random joke thread

[fitz]

Wayne Rooney has just expressed disappointment at being sent off tonight.

When are you due in for questioning?

 

[Chuck T Masala]

Biggest match of the day as Sir Paul McCartney marries the lovely Nancy Shevell, unlike the last outing for Sir Paul, this match is of course a two leg affair.

 

[Chuck T Masala]

Don't pull faces or you'll stay like that" Stephen Hawking: Proving parents right since 1974...

 

[Real Sharapova]

When are you due in for questioning?

I didn't have a penny on it, soppy sod that I am.

 

[FoxCovert]

Paul McCartney is already regretting his recent marriage as he's realised she will be spending twice as much on shoes

 

[The Major]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

"The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."





Just had a nice Wookie steak for dinner,




bit chewie though!

 

[The Major]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. I won't say anything more about that white child, if you don't say anything more about that sheep."

 

[Motown Fox]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. I won't say anything more about that white child, if you don't say anything more about that sheep."

Was the Chief talking with a welsh accent?

 

[RHYDAL]

Man goes into a fancy dress shop and asks the girl behind the counter for a vampire outfit.
5 mins later she returns with an England rugby jersey.
He says "No love, I said I wanted to look like a count".

 

[RHYDAL]

Man goes into a fancy dress shop and asks the girl behind the counter for a vampire outfit.
5 mins later she returns with Wayne Rooney England shirt.
He says "No love, I said I wanted to look like a count".​

 

[RHYDAL]

Man goes into a fancy dress shop and asks the girl behind the counter for a vampire outfit.
5 mins later she returns with a Steve Maclaren track suit.
He says "No love, I said I wanted to look like a count".​

 

[Blue Maniac]

Know any jokes about English rugby, Rhydal?

 

[FoxCovert]

Man goes into a fancy dress shop and asks the girl behind the counter for a vampire outfit.
5 mins later she returns with an England rugby jersey.
He says "No love, I said I wanted to look like a count".

Man goes into a fancy dress shop and asks the girl behind the counter for a vampire outfit.
5 mins later she returns with Wayne Rooney England shirt.
He says "No love, I said I wanted to look like a count".​

Man goes into a fancy dress shop and asks the girl behind the counter for a vampire outfit.
5 mins later she returns with a Steve Maclaren track suit.
He says "No love, I said I wanted to look like a count".​

Later that afternoon a guy with a welsh accent walks in and asks the same question, 5 mins later she returns with a Cardiff/Swansea* shirt. CBA the rest, *delete as appropriate

 

[The Major]

my new girlfriend is a deja vegetarian- it's not very serious.

she just occasionally gets the feeling she's been herbivore.

 

[Darth Vodka]

my new girlfriend is a deja vegetarian

we've all done herbivore

 

[RHYDAL]

Know any jokes about English rugby, Rhydal?

OK, what's the punchline?

 

[The Major]

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular wine taster died, and the director started looking for
A new one to hire. A retired Naval Aviator, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the
Position.
The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.
The old Salt tried it and said, “It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured
In steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”

"That's correct,” said the boss. “Another glass, please.”

“It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured
At eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

“Absolutely correct. A third glass.”

He calmly said, “It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.”

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The Aviator tried it. “It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I
Don't get the job, I'll name the father.”

 

[Blaby blue blood]

I asked the wife for some oral pleasure today.
She said, Would you like me to suck you off?
I replied, "No, I want you to shut the f*ck up."

 

[Blaby blue blood]

Dear Deirdre, i was spying on next doors teenage daughter
sunbathing topless the other day from my bedroom window, while
knocking one out, i noticed my wife stood behind me with her arms
folded, staring at me... is she a pervert?

 

[Blaby blue blood]

After getting the better of me with a few witty comments, I said to my wife, "They should call you butter!"
"Haha, very good," she said, "because I'm on a roll?"
"No," I replied, "because you're 70% fat"