The random joke thread

[FryattFox]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

 

[Blaby blue blood]

What's green and smells of Pork?

Kermits middle finger.

 

[Chuck T Masala]

My dog has no nose etc..............

 

[Han]

I've just found out my mum has alzheimers. I hope it doesn't run in the family because my mum's got it as well.

 

[Han]

I see that David Beckham has become involved in the 'race row'. David said "I think it's a disgrace that people are verbally abused becasue of how fast they can run".

 

[Macky]

what's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung

What's green and eats nuts?
Syphyllis

What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethovens last movement

:icon_lol:

 

[The Major]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[Graz]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

I don't get it... when would you ever need to cook an egg for three hours?

 

[Darth Vodka]

tried to get into an Italian restaurant today, but a fat lass was blocking the way

I couldn't get pasta

 

[Chuck T Masala]

My girlfriend is the exact double of that Adele.
Aye, she's 40 stone.

 

[The Major]

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

 

[Macky]

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Fourth time I've seen that this week.
Just saying like, still a good gag. Just commenting on the zeitgeist, if I'm gonna be really pretentious

 

[spionfox]

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

For those forum members that were reading the punchline as 'Oh My God', please note that............

Oh. We've stopped explaining jokes now haven't we. Sorry.

 

[tedfoxxx]

For those forum members that were reading the punchline as 'Oh My God', please note that............

Oh. We've stopped explaining jokes now haven't we. Sorry.

Spion's explaining of the joke is a reference to the trend from a couple of years ago on TB where people would over-explain gags and jokes by other people......

 

[SwedeFox]

Tedfoxxx is a wanker.

I was here making a factual statement based on the 2011 tedfoxxx Masturbation Habits study, led by Dr. O'Nan, which concluded that although the masturbation rate has seen a slight decrease after he found a mating partner, it remains well over the national average.

 

[The Major]

Found out today that I'm colour blind.

It came like a bolt out of the orange.

 

[tedfoxxx]

Tedfoxxx is a wanker.

I was here making a factual statement based on the 2011 tedfoxxx Masturbation Habits study, led by Dr. O'Nan, which concluded that although the masturbation rate has seen a slight decrease after he found a mating partner, it remains well over the national average.

It has shot up again recently due to the cold weather. The second data set will be published in the Quaternary Journal of Masturbation.

 

[Jeff]

It has shot up again recently due to the cold weather.

Mine usually gets smaller when it's cold.

 

[spionfox]

Mine usually gets smaller when it's cold.

How can you tell? :icon_wink

 

[The Major]

I just bought an Advent Calendar for Jehovahs witnesses, behind every door is someone telling them to piss off.