The random joke thread

[spionfox]

An electricity company came to my home a few weeks ago touting cheaper electricity.

I told them i wasn't interested, they kept persisting.

I turned the light switch on and then off and asked ''is yours any quicker than that?''

She replied ''no''.

I told her to **** off then.

 

[Lako42]

I had a well expensive dinner last night.......


Cottage Pie

 

[lazzer]

I had a well expensive dinner last night.......


Cottage Pie

Not that deer ?

 

[Boy Genius]

Bloke goes into pub and asks for 3 double whiskies. "You ok?" asks the barman. "No, I've just found out my youngest son is gay!"
The following week he goes into the pub again and asks for 6 double whiskies. "You ok?" asks the barman again. "No, i just found out that my eldest is gay aswell!"
Week after he returns to the pub and orders 10 double whiskies. "**** me" says the barman, "Doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?"
"Yeah, my daughter..

 

[fosseboy83]

I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. the last time i had 30 aftershocks I couldn't find my house either

 

[cazlcfc]

Bloke goes into pub and asks for 3 double whiskies. "You ok?" asks the barman. "No, I've just found out my youngest son is gay!"
The following week he goes into the pub again and asks for 6 double whiskies. "You ok?" asks the barman again. "No, i just found out that my eldest is gay aswell!"
Week after he returns to the pub and orders 10 double whiskies. "**** me" says the barman, "Doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?"
"Yeah, my daughter..

:icon_bigg

 

[Boy Genius]

I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. the last time i had 30 aftershocks I couldn't find my house either

Thats sick!
I am waiting for the dust to settle before I make any Haiti earthquake jokes!

 

[Blue Maniac]

Thats sick!
I am waiting for the dust to settle before I make any Haiti earthquake jokes!

You're just annoyed you didn't get in first :icon_lol:

 

[Richie_d123]

Thats sick!
I am waiting for the dust to settle before I make any Haiti earthquake jokes!

:icon_lol:

 

[Boy Genius]

You're just annoyed you didn't get in first :icon_lol:

:icon_roll

 

[Blue Maniac]

:icon_roll

:icon_lol: Don't look to disappointed, we all saw it...

 

[bocadillo]

:icon_lol: Don't look to disappointed, we all saw it...

Oh dear - pants on fire and a spelling mistake.

What's happening to you, BM?

 

[Blue Maniac]

Oh dear - pants on fire and a spelling mistake.

What's happening to you, BM?

:icon_eek: Where did my 'o' go?!?

I'll slink away in disgrace...

I wasn't lying about the gag though :icon_lol: I've been known to miss the odd one but not the oldies :icon_wink

 

[OldGit]

A Norfolk girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is gay?"

 

[OldGit]

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel in my room disabled" "No" she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard"

 

[OldGit]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to touch my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now or lose me forever!'

Defense Attorney:
And did he?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

 

[Profondo Rosso]

A Leicester fan, forest fan and Coventry fan find a lamp and rub it and inside is a genie.

The genie pops out and says "you have 3 wishes, but whatever you wish will happen to the other 2 twice over"

So the Forest fan thinks about it for a while and says "I wish for a million pounds. He receives a million pounds and the other 2 receive two million.

Then it comes to the Coventry fan who thinks for a while and says "I would like 50 beautiful women" so he receives 50 beautiful women, but the other two, as part of the agreement, receive 100 women.

Then it comes to the Leicester fan, who thinks for a while, then says "genie, I would like you to chop off one of my testicles."




Sorry, that's so bad.

 

[Blue Maniac]

A Leicester fan, forest fan and Coventry fan find a lamp and rub it and inside is a genie.

The genie pops out and says "you have 3 wishes, but whatever you wish will happen to the other 2 twice over"

So the Forest fan thinks about it for a while and says "I wish for a million pounds. He receives a million pounds and the other 2 receive two million.

Then it comes to the Coventry fan who thinks for a while and says "I would like 50 beautiful women" so he receives 50 beautiful women, but the other two, as part of the agreement, receive 100 women.

Then it comes to the Leicester fan, who thinks for a while, then says "genie, I would like you to chop off one of my testicles."




Sorry, that's so bad.

Don't worry, I've posted far worse.

 

[Blue Maniac]

Speaking of which (and I apologise in advance to anyone who reads this):

A bloke turns up for his first day at his new job selling Bibles door-to-door. His manager gives him a small pile of about half a dozen, and watches him go. An hour later, the bloke comes back and the manager looks at him, confused.
"What you doing back here?" he asks.
"I've r-r-r-run out of B-B-B-B-Bibles."
The boss thinks, "no way has he sold six in an hour," but he shrugs and gives him another half dozen. An hour later, he's back again, empty-handed.
"I've s-s-s-sold out ag-ag-again."
The boss asks him, "Are you sure?"
"Y-y-y-y-yeah."
So he gives him another six. After another hour, the bloke comes back, having sold out again. The boss gets curious, so he decides to ask him, "How come you sell more than our top seller? What is it you say when you get to the door?"
"I s-s-s-say 'I'm s-s-s-s-s-selling B-B-B-B-B-Bib-Bibles, w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like to b-b-b-b-buy one or sh-sh-sh-sh-shall I r-r-r-read it to you?'"

 

[tedfoxxx]

Speaking of which (and I apologise in advance to anyone who reads this):

A bloke turns up for his first day at his new job selling Bibles door-to-door. His manager gives him a small pile of about half a dozen, and watches him go. An hour later, the bloke comes back and the manager looks at him, confused.
"What you doing back here?" he asks.
"I've r-r-r-run out of B-B-B-B-Bibles."
The boss thinks, "no way has he sold six in an hour," but he shrugs and gives him another half dozen. An hour later, he's back again, empty-handed.
"I've s-s-s-sold out ag-ag-again."
The boss asks him, "Are you sure?"
"Y-y-y-y-yeah."
So he gives him another six. After another hour, the bloke comes back, having sold out again. The boss gets curious, so he decides to ask him, "How come you sell more than our top seller? What is it you say when you get to the door?"
"I s-s-s-say 'I'm s-s-s-s-s-selling B-B-B-B-B-Bib-Bibles, w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like to b-b-b-b-buy one or sh-sh-sh-sh-shall I r-r-r-read it to you?'"

I'm sad now.