The random joke thread

[spionfox]

After the big split, Paul Mccartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again.

He said, "I would prefer for you to call her Heather".

It's amazing how quickly these jokes come about when current events hit the news.

 

[tedfoxxx]

It's amazing how quickly these jokes come about when current events hit the news.

I've got a couple of good'uns about Saddam's execution, wanna hear them?

 

[Blue Maniac]

Of hym that shulde haue ben hanged for his scoffynge.

There was a merry fellow in high Almain, the which with his big scoffing and jesting had so much displeased a great lord of the country, that he threatened to hang him, if ever he could take him in his country. Not long after, this lord's servants took him, and hanged he should be. When he saw there was no remedy but that he should die, he said: My lord, I must needs suffer death, which I know I have well deserved: But yet I beseech you, grant me one petition for my soul's health. The lord, at the insistence of the people that stood about, as long as it did not concern his life, was content to grant it to him. Then the fellow said: I desire you, my lord, that after I am hanged, to come three mornings fresh and fasting, and kiss me on the bare arse. Whereunto the lord answered: The Devil kiss thine arse: and so let him go.

 

[spionfox]

I've got a couple of good'uns about Saddam's execution, wanna hear them?

Apparently there's one about a hedgehog being hit by a plane whilst crossing the M1.

 

[FryattFox]

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on anti-climaxes.

The librarian says, "Certainly sir, you can find a range of books on the first floor in section A".
The man thanks him, finds a suitable book, rents it out with his card and could not have been more pleased.

 

[Blue Maniac]

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on anti-climaxes.

The librarian says, "Certainly sir, you can find a range of books on the first floor in section A".
The man thanks him, finds a suitable book, rents it out with his card and could not have been more pleased.

:icon_lol:

 

[FryattFox]

I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow.

I can't wait.

 

[FryattFox]

A few more:

*********

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

*********

My wife accused me of being self-important.

I nearly fell off my throne.

*********

I hate how many French people play Call of Duty, you usually get 'host ended game' before any bullets have been fired.

*********

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife."

You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

*********

All in all, 99000 people are making love right now, 22000 are kissing, 11000 are getting oral and one sad wanker is reading this.....
You hang in there, friend!

*********

Two men were in a pub.

Man 1 - I haven't seen you here before.

Man 2 - I just got back from Afghanistan.

Man 1 - Wow, how was it.

Man 2 - Well, on my first day our base was attacked by rocket fire and shrapnel got lodged in my best friends spine, so I used my field medical training to isolate the wound and carefully remove the shrapnel without any nerve damage. He recovered after about 5 months. Then two days later, we were sent into the red zone and came under heavy fire. I managed to take out seven insurgents which led to their withdrawal, meaning we could return home safely with no casualties.

Man 1 - Oh my God. You're a hero. I have to buy you a drink, what are you having?

Man 2 - WKD

Man 1 - **** off you ****.

*********

My sister turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today. After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, "That's not on".

*********

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with?

 

[cazlcfc]

A naked man looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do i always get a hard on when i look at my reflection"
Wife says "because your a c*nt"

 

[cazlcfc]

Boy in the bath with his mum "WHATS THAT HAIRY THING HE ASKS" mum replies "THATS MY SPONGE"
"OH YES" says the boy "THE BABYSITTERS GOT ONE IVE SEEN HER WASHING DADS FACE WITH IT"

 

[MKFox]

I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow.

I can't wait.

:icon_lol:

 

[Blue Maniac]

The was a young bard from Japan
Who wrote poetry no one could scan
When asked why 'twas so
He replied "I don't know
Maybe it's because I try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can.

 

[Motown Fox]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog?

 

[Motown Fox]

Why was Phillip's blonde girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.";

 

[Blue Maniac]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

Not funny.

Sorry.

 

[FryattFox]

A girl asked me for a double entendre yesterday.

So I gave her one.

 

[lazzer]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

Not funny.

Sorry.

I cant believe you have the audacity to criticise my jokes :icon_bigg

 

[Darth Vodka]

old one, but hey there's snow!

two snowmen, one says to the other "can you smell carrot?"

 

[Motown Fox]

Q How is a man like a snow fall?


A You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

 

[From Gradel to Grave]

Q How is a man like a snow fall?


A You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Interesting way to come out of the closet! :icon_wink