The random joke thread

[Chuck T Masala]

I met a girl with a fanny like plasticine last week, I haven't shagged her yet but I think I've made an impression.

 

[SJN-Fox]

Why did the chicken cross the road?




Because it was stuffed inside Antony Worrall Thompson's jacket.

 

[OldGit]

Why did the chicken cross the road?




Because it was stuffed inside Antony Worrall Thompson's jacket.

:icon_lol:

 

[FryattFox]

"Welcome to Ready Steady Cook! Anthony you had £5 to spend - what's in your bag? "

"Organic chicken, lingoustines, rice, stock, wine , scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goat's cheese 3 bottles of cava and a bottle of blue nun.....and I have £5.00 left over."

 

[The Major]

"Welcome to Ready Steady Cook! Anthony you had £5 to spend - what's in your bag? "

"Organic chicken, lingoustines, rice, stock, wine , scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goat's cheese 3 bottles of cava and a bottle of blue nun.....and I have £5.00 left over."

 

[Motown Fox]

Q: What's the difference between Anal sex and a Microwave?
A: A Microwave doesn't brown your meat

Q: Why are fat girls like mopeds?
A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


Q: What is soft & warm when you go to bed, but hard and
stiff when you wakeup?







A: Vomit.

 

[The Major]

My wife asked me why I was always on the Internet.

When I said I was looking for cheap flights, she grabbed me and gave me a big kiss , so excited was she.

Which is really strange.



She doesn't even like darts.

 

[SJN-Fox]

Don't forget to get your tickets for this week's Costa Concordia cruise ship lottery - it's a rollover!

Lionel Ritchie has cancelled his forthcoming gigs on cruise liners. Apparently "Dancing On The Ceiling" does not have the same appeal anymore.

 

[Han]

Thanks goodness for webuyanyboat.com

 

[The Major]

A violent criminal broke into the Celebrity Big Brother house this week and attacked all the contestants.

Police say they’re struggling to identify the victims.

 

[MKFox]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....


She's 21 and her name's Lucy.

 

[The Major]

A Turtle is walking down the street when he suddenly gets mugged by a gang of Snails.

Afterwards, the Police ask: "Mr. Turtle, can you tell us who did this.??"

Mr. Turtle says: "I don't know..... It all happened so fast.!!??"

 

[homer]

A turtle ?

Walking down the street ?

Forgive me for saying this, but I firmly believe that that incident did not actually take place at all. You've made it up, haven't you ?



Now if it was a tortoise.........

 

[RHYDAL]

A turtle ?

Walking down the street ?

Forgive me for saying this, but I firmly believe that that incident did not actually take place at all. You've made it up, haven't you ?



Now if it was a tortoise.........

To be frank, it's a total shambles. Snails, as everyone knows, move considerably slower than either a tortoise or a turtle.
Now, if it was a snail mugged by a group of tortoises, you'd be on to something.....

 

[Motown Fox]

I reckon the turtle had some neck telling the story in the first place.

 

[SwedeFox]

The only thing we know for certain is that the incident probably left them all shell-shocked.

 

[The Major]

I've actually spoken to the investigating officer and I can assure you this is all true.

 

[Han]

Chelsea fans adding to their embarrassment by threatening to trash referee Howard Webb's car.

How stupid are they? Everyone knows he travels on the Manchester United team bus.

 

[manxfox]

Addicted to childish upside down calculator jokes? Then call the helpline on 58008 5318008

 

[SwedeFox]

And I thought some of the jokes in this thread were poor...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/9070058/Tim-Vine-wins-joke-of-the-year-award.html