The random joke thread

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Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known scouse Islamic terrorists. Bin Snort-in, Bin Deal-in and Bin Thieving, there is no sign of Bin Work-in
 
Just walked into a room and thought.."now what did i come in here for again? i know i came in for something!" Why are you asking yourself you don't F**kin know!
 
mrsbluearmy said:
Just walked into a room and thought.."now what did i come in here for again? i know i came in for something!" Why are you asking yourself you don't F**kin know!
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Excuse me mrsbluearmy, but you do know you are posting in the joke thread?
 
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This isn’t so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?’
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken b*stard. You've sh*t the bed !!'
 
Last edited:
lazzer said:
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This isn’t so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?’
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken b*stard. You've sh*t the bed !!'
Click to expand...

:icon_lol: For you I thought that was pretty good :icon_lol:
 
Macky said:
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to South Africa. He said he just needs their name, bank account details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
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This joke originates or is at least present in two other threads. What Sir Macky is saying is that ''some'' Nigerians' have been known to enter into the odd scam or two.

The '' '' is present in itself as part of the humour as alluding to the fact (unfact) that all Nigerians' are thieving (a) Bastards.

(a) designed to ensure that the word Bastard is not taken literally as being born out of wedlock but only as a defamatory fact.
 
I got caught knocking one off while sniffing my mates' sisters knickers yesterday. Wouldn't have been so bad, but she still wearing them at the time!, he went ****ing mental......Made the rest of the funeral very awkward for both of us!
 
MHS said:
I got caught knocking one off while sniffing my mates' sisters knickers yesterday. Wouldn't have been so bad, but she still wearing them at the time!, he went ****ing mental......Made the rest of the funeral very awkward for both of us!
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The wrongest thing I've read since Enderby's story about strangling Kojak on a bus.
 
the first rule of Caravan Club is "everybody gets some"

yeah and the second rule is "don't mention the first rule, cos it's a massive lie"
 
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