The random joke thread

[OldGit]

A first-time parachutist jumped from a plane, only to discover that his chute was broken. As he plunged towards the ground, frantically trying to fix the parachute, he passed another man on his way up.

"Do you know anything about parachutes?" he cried.

"No," replied the other man. "Do you know anything about gas barbeques?"

 

[OldGit]

During a performance of a school nativity play at the local theatre, a large crack suddenly appeared in the middle of the stage. At the performance progressed, the crack became bigger and bigger until it finally developed into a hole.

Everyone else managed to avoid it but when young Johnny stepped forward as one of the Wise Men, he plunged straight through the hole.

The audience gasped. Johnny's father whispered to his mother, "Don't worry dear. It's just a stage he's going through."

 

[manxfox]

My Doctor has advised me to start running.

I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife.

 

[manxfox]

My boyfriend broke up with me last night. He said I was too kinky.

I nearly choked on my cup of spunk i was drinking

 

[manxfox]

Apparantly semen is 80% water, good news for Victoria Beckham - she'll be able to drink a pint of Becks each day without gaining weight.

 

[manxfox]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

 

[tedfoxxx]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

That got more of a groan than a laugh:icon_bigg

 

[lazzer]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

oh dear oh dear

 

[Blue Maniac]

oh dear oh dear

Not the ****ing venison joke again...

 

[lazzer]

Not the ****ing venison joke again...

If it was it would be a damn sight funnier than these feckers :icon_lol:

 

[Motown Fox]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart you know," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

 

[Blue Maniac]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart you know," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Because dogs can't play chess!!!

 

[FryattFox]

Just bought a newt from the pet shop, and I've called him Tiny.

Why did I call him Tiny, I hear you ask? Because he's my newt.

 

[Blue Maniac]

Just bought a newt from the pet shop, and I've called him Tiny.

Why did I call him Tiny, I hear you ask? Because he's my newt.

'My newt' sounds like 'minute' (meaning small, not meaning one sixtieth of an hour)!

 

[FryattFox]

'My newt' sounds like 'minute' (meaning small, not meaning one sixtieth of an hour)!

Or the weekly French newspaper. I think a few of the inner circle read it.

 

[lazzer]

Or the weekly French newspaper. I think a few of the inner circle read it.

The one that makes the Daily Mail look like a left wing propaganda machine?

 

[FryattFox]

The one that makes the Daily Mail look like a left wing propaganda machine?

From what I've heard, yeah. Never read it myself; my French isn't quite up to scratch.

 

[Matt_B]

Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble dryer.

Don't they know if you wash him at 30, there's an 80% chance he'll live?

 

[Matt_B]

Mohammed spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children,

Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish.

And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.

 

[tedfoxxx]

Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble dryer.

Don't they know if you wash him at 30, there's an 80% chance he'll live?