The random joke thread

[SJN-Fox]

People seem really upset about Lance Armstrong admitting to doping.

Personally I'm even more impressed, when I smoked dope I couldn't even get off the couch let alone win a bike race!

 

[Feriol]

Irish scientists discovered contaminated burgers in late November

It's a Hoax. Can't believe you all fell for it, this line was a dead give away!

 

[Motown Fox]

Tesco have a new offer starting tomorrow.
You get extra Club points on any purchases of petrol and burgers.

The deal is called " Only fuel and horses"

 

[The Major]

An old boy walks into a chemists and asks "can I buy a Viagra tablet and can you cut it into quarters?"

The chemist replies "I can but you realise you can't perform unless you take the full dose?"

"I'm 97 years old, I don't care about any of that. I just want it to stick out enough so that I don't keep pissing on my shoes."

 

[OldGit]

Thanks for the tip Major. I'll give it a try

 

[The Major]

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'

He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

 

[Graz]

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'

He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

What's a video shop?

Don't worry Major, that was probably hilarious in '96.

 

[Graz]

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge for me. It said "This isn't working. I can't take it any more. I'm going to my mum's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was cold.... Don't know what she was on about!

 

[Motown Fox]

The Superbowl Final.

What a joke this is. One time I decide to watch a game I don't understand and this happens.

Still as I'm bored found some jokes

"A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together. "Oh no," the guy said, "They're all at the funeral."



Q: What do call a 49ers fan holding a bottle of champagne after tonights Super Bowl
A: Waiter.




Miss Marie Collins, a first-grade teacher, explains to her class that she is an Pittsburg Steelers fan. She asks her pupils to raise their hands if they are Steelers fans too. Not really knowing what a Steelers fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Paula has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Steelers fan,' she answers.

'Then," asks Miss Collins, 'what are you?'

'I'm a Baltimore Ravens fan,' boasts Paula proudly.

The teacher asks Paula why she is a Ravens fan.

'Well, my Dad and Mum are Ravens fans, so I'm a Ravens fan too, Paula responds.

'That's no reason,' Miss Collins retorts. 'What if your mum was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?'

Paula smiles and says, 'Then I'd be a Steelers fan.'

 

[Darth Vodka]

'What if your mum was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?'

the version I heard of that was "what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a thief?"

 

[Macky]

What did I just read, and why?

 

[FryattFox]

What did I just read, and why?

Worst game ever, but I'll play.

The Gruffalo, because you lost your library card so couldn't borrow anything you wanted to read, and the children's section has beanbags.

 

[spionfox]

Worst game ever, but I'll play.

The Gruffalo, because you lost your library card so couldn't borrow anything you wanted to read, and the children's section has beanbags.

That actually made me laugh far more than recent 'serious' contributions to this thread by the Major and Motown :icon_bigg

 

[FryattFox]

That actually made me laugh...

Excellent

...far more than recent 'serious' contributions to this thread by the Major and Motown :icon_bigg

Oh. That's like being called pretty compared to BG.

 

[Motown Fox]

Thanks!!!
Serious contribution by me in the edly hours now you have to be joking.
I was bored with what our American cousins call The World Final and ended up posting some crap jokes.

 

[Macky]

Worst game ever, but I'll play.

The Gruffalo, because you lost your library card so couldn't borrow anything you wanted to read, and the children's section has beanbags.

Close, but no Mars bar. I went with The Hungry Caterpillar, again. I'm determined to finish it one of the days

 

[FryattFox]

Close, but no Mars bar. I went with The Hungry Caterpillar, again. I'm determined to finish it one of the days

Mate, you're in for a treat! There is a feckin' big twist at the end that, I for one, didn't see coming.

 

[RHYDAL]

Mate, you're in for a treat! There is a feckin' big twist at the end that, I for one, didn't see coming.

I know a cocoon joke.

 

[Jeff]

I know a cocoon joke.

Is that the one about the stuttering racist?

 

[The Major]

That actually made me laugh far more than recent 'serious' contributions to this thread by the Major and Motown :icon_bigg

That's nice.