The random joke thread

[lazzer]

The police have discovered a book of 20 other women Oscar Pistorious had planned on assassinating.

They've called it 'Shinless list'.

lovely stuff

 

[Blue Maniac]

The police have discovered a book of 20 other women Oscar Pistorious had planned on assassinating.

They've called it 'Shinless list'.

I feel dirty.

:icon_lol:

 

[OldGit]

At 85 years of age, Richard married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Richard should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Richard, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Richard takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Richard. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Richard kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Richard Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Richard gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Richard.'

Richard, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've already been here?

 

[fox58]

i had a budgie that somehow managed to break both of its legs, unsure of what to I decided to make a couple of splints to see if that would help. i got some Swan Vesta matches and attached them to his broken legs, when he uneasily started to walk his little face lit up

 

[OldGit]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, " It feels great but I still think my thumb's broken."

 

[fox58]

Last night as I reached for my bottle of Viagra, I accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. This morning I awoke with a huge correction

 

[Blaarev]

Last night as I reached for my bottle of Viagra, I accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. This morning I awoke with a huge correction

:icon_lol:

 

[Orifice]

....You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........

F...ing mosquito!

 

[spionfox]

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........

F...ing mosquito!

You want to be careful what you post. Macky has already questioned if there is *anything* he wouldn't wank over :icon_wink

 

[Macky]

....You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........

F...ing mosquito!

*furious fapping*

 

[fox58]

funny how we live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

 

[Macky]

funny how we live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Is this a joke?

 

[Jeff]

Is this a joke?

911 Is a Joke.

 

[Blue Maniac]

Is this a joke?

:icon_conf I think I've forgotten what a joke is.

 

[Macky]

:icon_conf I think I've forgotten what a joke is.

Let me help.


Paddy goes into a department store, walks up to the counter and asks the assistant "Excuse, do you sell potato clocks?"
"Potato clocks??? We've alarm clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, even cuckoo clocks, but I've never even heard of a potato clock, what on Earth are they?"
"I dunno" says Paddy "but I'm starting a new job at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning and the wife says I need to get a potato clock"


I thank you

 

[spionfox]

"I dunno" says Paddy "but I'm starting a new job at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning and the wife says I need to get a potato clock"

That only really works if you imagine it being spoken in a Welsh voice.

 

[Macky]

That only really works if you imagine it being spoken in a Welsh voice.

No it doesn't. It's an accent agnostic joke. Most importantly though, it is actually a joke.

 

[Blue Maniac]

That only really works if you imagine it being spoken in a Welsh voice.

You know, I always suspected my inner monologue had a Wrexham accent. ****ing knew it. The voice in my head is Welsh.

 

[MKFox]

I am currently going around the world doing the punchline in every accent. English is the worst, along with native American. Pakistani is wonderful, with German, jewish and afrikaans

 

[MKFox]

Japanese not good, but paradoxically, it works in chinese