Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
:icon_lol: Brilliant punchline
The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
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OldGit
Well-Known Member
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for 10 million bucks.
This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is my 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you're talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
Then the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's head, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win. The money is in a briefcase buried behind a shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in New Orleans!"
The Godfather asks the attorney eagerly: "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says, you don't have the ****ing balls to pull the trigger."
This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is my 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you're talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
Then the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's head, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win. The money is in a briefcase buried behind a shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in New Orleans!"
The Godfather asks the attorney eagerly: "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says, you don't have the ****ing balls to pull the trigger."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out of the blue, "Lord, please grant me one wish."
The sky clouded over above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in every way, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive across anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a very long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want two or three lanes on that bridge?"
The sky clouded over above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in every way, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive across anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a very long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want two or three lanes on that bridge?"
Joe_Fox
Well-Known Member
Heard it - still not bad though.
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A young lady asks her boyfriend to come over one Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic as he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the chemist to get some advice and condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a three-pack, a ten-pack or a family pack. "I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice!" The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents," she says. "Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,"I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a bloody pharmacist."
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents," she says. "Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,"I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a bloody pharmacist."
Last edited:
Willlow
Well-Known Member
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
:icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol:
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A bloke goes in shop and asks for "Irish Sausages".
The assistant looked at him and asked, "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman.
"If I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
"If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
"Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
"Would ya, ay? Would Ya?" demanded the Irishman.
"Well, no," says the assistant.
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?" asked the Irishman.
"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't," the assistant replies.
With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
....
....
....
....(Wait for it.)
....
....
....
"Because you're in a hardware store," replies the assistant.
The assistant looked at him and asked, "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman.
"If I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
"If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
"Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
"Would ya, ay? Would Ya?" demanded the Irishman.
"Well, no," says the assistant.
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?" asked the Irishman.
"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't," the assistant replies.
With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
....
....
....
....(Wait for it.)
....
....
....
"Because you're in a hardware store," replies the assistant.
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man
standing alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked him.
"Beertits." he said.
standing alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked him.
"Beertits." he said.
Macky
Gruntled Member
That's Scott Mills off radio 1, if you found that amusing there are shitloads more of them here that are a lot funnier than that one to be fair.
This is the funniest
MKFox
New Member
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
fox58
Well-Known Member
A good looking, man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my forebears by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.....
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice .
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my forebears by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.....
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice .
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
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