A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats........
Apparently Prophets are going through the roof
that Black Beauty, he's a dark horse
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again†– Tim Vine
“I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone†– Dave Gibson
“I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them†– Emo Philips
“I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid†– Jack Whitehall
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog†– Gary Delaney
“Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day†– John Bishop
“What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names†– Bo Burnham
“Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted†- Gary Delaney
“For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty†– Robert White
“Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…†– Gareth Richards
guilty
Top ten jokes from the Edinburgh festival.
“I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone†– Dave Gibson
And I got a blackIFor my sons birthday we bougt him an IPod.
My daughter had an IPhone for hers and for my birthday I was pleased to receive an IPad.
Thinking along the same lines I got my wife an IRon
that's when the fight started
Walkers are to add a new flavour Crisps to their range.
"Semen flavour"
They will be marketed as "diet Crisps" as 99% of women will spit them back out.
P | Pld | Pts | |
1 | Leicester | 46 | 97 |
2 | Ipswich | 46 | 96 |
3 | Leeds Utd | 46 | 90 |
4 | Southampton | 46 | 87 |
5 | West Brom | 46 | 75 |
6 | Norwich City | 46 | 73 |
7 | Hull City | 46 | 70 |
8 | Middlesbro | 46 | 69 |
9 | Coventry City | 46 | 64 |
10 | Preston | 46 | 63 |
11 | Bristol City | 46 | 62 |
12 | Cardiff City | 46 | 62 |
13 | Millwall | 46 | 59 |
14 | Swansea City | 46 | 57 |
15 | Watford | 46 | 56 |
16 | Sunderland | 46 | 56 |
17 | Stoke City | 46 | 56 |
18 | QPR | 46 | 56 |
19 | Blackburn | 46 | 53 |
20 | Sheffield W | 46 | 53 |
21 | Plymouth | 46 | 51 |
22 | Birmingham | 46 | 50 |
23 | Huddersfield | 46 | 45 |
24 | Rotherham Utd | 46 | 27 |